The Legend of the Fools
by Py687
Summary: Remedies for the Ill 3. "They" - who? - say laughter is the best medicine... so prepare yourself for the third dose! The latest in the series as of 2008, the comedic story is now in TLoZ format.
1. Arrival

**This is the third Remedies for the Ill, one of the least popular comedy series at FF.N! Drew and I are (kinda) proud to present you the one that's based on the Legend of Zelda series. Co-authored with my great friend Drew, the first chapter is done...**

**Update: Also made with Drew, this story tells of how Drew and I try to save Hyrule from the Zelda series. As a parody, Link and Ganondorf will make appearances, while Zelda plays barely a role. The plot is this: Drew and I somehow get transported to the land of Hyrule, and we change into... something weird. Drew is similar to Midna's imp form, and I technically take on the role of Link (albeit much less heroic and skillful) even thought Link is still in it. Well, that about wraps up the "longer summary..." Oh, one other thing! Drew and I have been busy for the past months, so excuse us if the editing of our chapters take long(er than usual). School and personal issues have been... well, issues lately. We have lives, too, you know!**

* * *

Chapter I: Arrival

_In the Magical Land of Hyrule_

Py: Whoo, we're finally here! Somehow, we've gone from a Digimon-related universe to a Zelda-themed one… Well, this is a tad freaky…

Drew: Yeah! I mean, I'm not complaining, but what happens next is just too random now.

PY687: DigiDrew and I agreed to do this, so deal with it!

DigiDrew: Yup! During our serious discussion about the first two stories (that has no reviews)…

Py: Serves you two right! Oh wait; we were the main stars of it. So does that mean we're unloved?

PY687: You bet!

Drew: Hey look, Py, I can do this!

Drew conjures up a magical fireball in his hands.

Py: Lucky! All the equipment I got when I came were the Noble Sword, Hylian Shield, twenty bombs (aw man, that's my max), twenty arrows (hey, that's my max too), a bow, and a boomerang. (Not even some new clothes…) What do you have, Drew?

Py sighs, showing his disappointment in the turn of events.

Drew: Maybe I _am_ lucky, but look: There're weird markings on my beautiful face, I've got some weird helmet thingy with an orange hand sticking out of it… and I also have a really big butt. Man, that's ugly…

Drew shudders uncontrollably.

Py: Ha-ha! I laugh at this turn of events- hey wait, what're you doing to me _now_?

Drew grabs Py with the arm protruding from his helmet and lifts him into the air.

Drew **contemptuously**: Hmm, not so funny now, is it?

Py: Argh, put me down _now_!

Drew: Oh, fine… Whatever you say, "buddy."

Drew flies up twenty feet and drops Py from the aforementioned height.

Py: Ouch! Aw man, my bottom… Hey look, a purple Thing! How're ya? (And how'd you get here with us?)

Thing: Oh, I'm just fine; thanks for asking- _beep!_ _You have a new message… read?_

Py: Wow, is this an email system or something? I didn't know Hyrule had the internet.

Thing: _Sorry, I cannot understand. You have a new message… read?_

Drew: Py, shut up already! Thing, sure thing – we'll read the letter.

Thing **in Helga's voice**: Drew and Py, the Kingdom of Hyrule is under attack by the Dark Lord! He has turned the minds of our "Royal Knights," and they have now been traitorous to our peaceful cause! You two must prevent them from finding the three Triforce pieces for Ganondorf; please hurry and save the kingdom!

Py: Whoa, that's a neat letter there. So where should we go now, Drew; the beach?

Drew: But you heard the Thing, right? Shouldn't we be helping that girl?

Py: Eh, there's no way the "Drew and Py" is us. At least, I hope not…

Drew: Good point, Py. To the beach!

Thing: _You have another new message… read?_

Py: What, already?

Thing: _Sorry, I cannot understand. You have a new message… read?_

Drew: Um, sure.

Thing **in Helga's voice**: You two are the Drew and Py I was speaking of. So, don't go to the beach; in fact, help me gather the three Triforce pieces and save my Hyrule!

Drew: What do you say to that?

Py: Simple coincidence. Really, there must be a serious "email jam" or something: we keep getting some poor chap's email! Twice in a row, too…

Drew: Ah. You are full of explanations for everything, aren't you?

Py: Yup. Time-space continuum… oh, good times, good times.

Drew: Uh huh. But I wasn't aware of a girl being ruler of Hyrule other than Zelda. I mean, did you hear that crackly, yet girly voice saying "my Hyrule?"

Py: Yeah, but I guess we just landed in the wrong time.

Thing: So are we going to- _beep! You have yet another new message… read?_

Drew: What?! Oh, fine, we'll hear it.

Thing **in Helga's voice**: Go to Hyrule Castle now! Don't make me come over there and drag you back here. Get moving already!

Drew: Bah, demands will get you nowhere.

Py: Let's go to the beach! See ya later, Thing.

Thing: _You have no new messages. beep_ -the beach, guys? Uh, guys? Don't just leave me… oh, nevermind.

Thing runs off.

* * *

**I've had some people PM me about why it's called "remedies for the ill." It's simple: a good laugh can cure any sickness!**


	2. Triforce of Wisdom

**This chapter is pretty long... Enjoy it! The next chapter of Remedies for the Ill, 3; also another chapter of nonsensical humor and insanity, brought to you by DigiDrew and PY687 (both of whom would rather not be associated to the story)!  
Also, Helga teleports there, but I forgot to mention it. That's how she just suddenly appears, and why Drew tells her to "slow down." Yeah.**

* * *

Chapter II: Triforce of Wisdom

Helga: Ah ha: there you two are! Now then, I'll need you two to get new equipment for reasons unknown, face terrifying enemies and dark dungeons, blah blah blah. You two know the drill, since you've played at least one Legend of Zelda game. Right?

Helga drags the duo back to Castle Town.

Py: Yeah, but… what?

Drew: Slow down, woman! We already have equipment. (Well, _Py_ does anyway.)

Helga: Oh, whatever! Just help me save the kingdom of Hyrule.

Drew: Okay, right. And my map says the first dungeon is at the beach. C'mon, Py!

Py: Wait, who are you, Helga?

Helga: Who, me? I'm the princess of Hyrule.

Drew: And what about Zelda and Link?

Helga: Who…? Oh, you mean the weakling and the mute. They're gone for the moment.

Drew: So you're the substitute. Oh. Well, let's go!

Helga: Not so fast, my heroes. Take this Thing with you, for it will allow us to com-

Py: Aw man, why're we always stuck with it?

Thing **sniffling**: Oh, what? You guys don't like me after all?

Drew: That's not it. You appearing in the script at random times is getting repetitive now.

Helga: Take it anyway! We're not here to please readers!

Drew: Actually, yes we are.

Helga: Oh well, maybe if we give him a colourful afro and some sunglasses, then he'd be cooler.

Thing: Yes! I've always wanted to have an afro…

Py: But that's not Zelda-ish.

Helga: So what?

Drew: Maybe he could be like Ooccoo! (Wait, is that the creature's name?)

Thing: But Ooccoo's a humanoid chicken! Moreover, she's female.

Helga: What's wrong with females?

Py: Chickens are cool. (Yeah, it is her name; their race is called "Oocca.")

Drew: Not as cool as Numemon.

Py: Whatever!

Helga: Do they always do this?

Thing: Most of the time, yes.

Py: Okay, maybe we should just recolour him and leave him alone.

Drew: Hmm, what colour then? Perhaps plain old white or black?

Thing: I'll just be striped. How's this?

Thing turns around and, in a magical blinding flash of light, changes its colour.

Py: Oh, right! That's actually pretty colourful, Thing.

Thing **happily**: Ah, thanks Py!

Drew: Okay, then, guys. Let's go to the beach!

_At the Nearby Beach_

Thing: We've arrived! Uh, but where to now? I see a dark cave over there…

Py: Just where we need to go! I mean, it is pitch-black inside there, so I'm pretty sure that is our next destination.

Drew: Great idea! Hmm, you _did_ get a lantern though, right? (Because if you didn't get it… Well, you won't like me when I'm angry.)

Py: What, a stupid ole lamp? Nah, I can just… well, how about we use reflections from outside the cave? I'll go get a mirror.

Thing: Why don't we wing it and go inside the cave to see if it'll load? Then, as soon as the screen finishes, we'll be able to see our surroundings.

Drew: "Winging it?" Not again… Well, we can't do anything here, so let's walk over there.

_Five Minutes Later_

Drew **frustrated**: Argh, I can't take it anymore! If we walk any more steps, I'm going to fall flat on the ground.

Py: What?! We've only been walking for five minutes though.

Drew **angrily**: How do _you_ know? You don't even have a watch, moron.

Py **arrogantly**: Yeah, but the italicized words stated "five minutes later." See it?

Thing: He's got a point there, buddy…

Drew: So? Italicized words aren't that trustworthy.

_I heard that!_

Drew: Well, are you?  
_Eh… okay, it was just a little lie. It's actually been six minutes._

Drew: Ha! I told you so, "buddy!"

Py: Bah, whatever.

Narrator: Okay, on with the story now!

Py: Yeah, yeah. Oh, let's just say we went through this cave already, hmm?

Drew: That's a neat idea, except Helga won't like it.

Py: But she wouldn't be able to find out!

Thing: Not unless she asks for a key or a piece of the Triforce.

Py: Smart aleck. Then what do you say we do now?

Thing: I don't really know. Although, you two could send someone in there- hey, why're you guys looking at me that way?

Py: Okay, since Drew and I are kinda in charge of you (at least for the moment), I suggest you go in and get whatever item we're supposed to get.

Drew: Yup! We'll only wait here for about an hour, so you'd better get started now.

Thing **grumbling**: I refuse to. In your face!

Drew **tauntingly**: Oh yeah? Well, you have only fifty-nine minutes and fifty-four seconds left… Don't make me say the milliseconds too, Thing.

Thing **angrily**: Fine, I'll go then! Sheesh.

Thing slowly walks towards the cave.

Thing: Guys, I'm not sure I-

Py: Go in there already!

Thing scrambles into the dank cave.

Drew: Well, that settles it! You wanna go grab some hotdogs?

Py: Sure!

Thing comes running out of the cave, "screaming his head off."

Thing: AAAAAH! Save me…!

Drew: Whoa, what is it?

Py: Yeah, what's the matter, Thing?

Thing: It… God, that thing was hideous…

_At a Hotdog Stand_

Drew: So, tell us again please, Thing?

Thing **sighing**: It was a lot like Py… Gosh, are you two done interrogating me yet?

Py: Wait, didn't you say it was hideous?

Drew: Yeah, that was what he said.

Py: Oh… Hey, what are you two insinuating?

Thing: Oh, nothing… nothing at all.

Drew **naïvely**: How could I be insinuating? (I don't even know what "insinuating" means. Do you people think I am smart?)

Drew pulls out a pocket dictionary and starts reading, trying to find the word.

Py: So, what do we do next? Thing's too much of a coward to go, and I am, too…

Thing: Well, we could always buy more hotdogs. I love them!

Drew: Oh… I found it! It was "flabbergasted," right? It means…

Py: That wasn't even _close_ to what I said!

Drew: …"to amaze or astonish somebody completely-" hey, what?

Py: I said something else, idiot.

Drew: Oh. Then, what did you say again?

Py **sighing**: I said, "insinuating." Got it, Drew?

Drew: Yeah, thanks. In… insin… insinuate…

Py: Oh, boy.

Drew **accusing**: Ah ha! I… can't find it. _Are you sure you didn't make the word up, Py?_

Py: What? No, it's- um, why are you using a French thesaurus?

Drew **confused**: Hmm, was I? Oh yeah! Whoops… I guess that's why I wasn't able to find "insinuating," huh?

Py: Why don't I just tell you? It basically means you're implying something in a derogatory-like fashion.

Drew: And what were we talking about earlier?

Thing: I saw a hideous monster, who-

Drew: Oh! Yeah, we were saying how ugly you are, Py.

Py: What! Why you two…

Drew: Okay, so I guess we should all go inside the cave.

Drew sighs heavily.

Py: Uh, not until you two apologize.

Drew: For what?

Py: For insulting me!

Drew: We insulted you? Oh, when'd we do _that_?

Py: You said I was hideous, remember?

Drew: That was you?

Thing: What, you were the monster, Py?

Py: What? No! I was here with Drew the whole time!

Drew: Were you?

Thing: Maybe you are Py's evil-twin-half-brother from Venus! And that means the real Py is in that cave!

Drew: I think you're on to something, Thing!

Py: What?! How can you be someone's twin and half-brother?

Thing: You were separated from your brother at birth, when the real Py fell into a ditch! He was then raised by a family of sheep until his sheep mom died. Then his sheep dad married your current mom (since your dad spontaneously combusted)… Aha! I am a genius! Call me Sherlock!

Py: Gah, you two have me figured out!

Thing: Success! We're so smart, right, Drew?

Py **annoyed**: Um, I was being sarcastic. I wish you two would just drop dead.

Drew: Okay!

Drew and Thing "play dead."

Py: Argh! You stupid, son of a-

Thing wakes up instantly.

Thing: Wait, what's that shining thing?

Drew wakes up instantly.

Drew: Ooh, an amulet! But who'd drop such a beautiful object on the ground?

Py: It's supposed to be a video game, remember? One of you two pick it up, and then a monkey will spontaneously appear and snatch it away from you. Go on, try it…

Drew: Did you have to sound so discouraging and pessimistic? Well, I'll try it.

Drew picks up the amulet. Nothing happens.

Py: Um, why don't we wait a bit longer? Yes, let's do that.

The trio wait for another minute.

Py: Okay, the monkey's in a traffic jam, alright? Don't worry, he'll be here.

Thing: Er, anyways… Why don't we _all_ go into the freaky cave now?

Py **hesitantly**: Well, as long as you two don't insult me again. Like when you were insinuating about how ugly I was…

Drew: So, what does it mean again? Oh wait, I have a handy pocket dictionary in my pocket; let me check…

Drew checks the dictionary, while Py stalks off towards the cave.

Py **angrily**: (Of all the Numemon-turned-Midna's I could have gotten stuck with, it just_ had_ to be Drew…)

_In Hyrule_

Helga: Where are those two?!

Impa: Gee, I dunno. Whom are you talking about?

Helga: The two heroes who are supposed to save us from the clutches of me- er, Ganondorf!

Impa: I'm sure they're just taking a short break, missus. Oh, I _do _hope Link and Zelda come back soon.

Helga: I think we can manage without them for a while.

_With Drew and Py_

Drew: Hey Py! Look what I can do!

Drew balances a spoon at the end of his tongue masterfully.

_(Back) In Hyrule_

Helga: Somehow, I don't think this is going to end so well.

Thing: Yeah, same here.

Helga: What are _you_ doing here? You are supposed to be with Drew and Py!

Thing: Oh, right. Darn italicized words keep changing the location of the scene on me!

_Mwahahaha! You, Thing, shall not be able to keep up with the power of italics!_

Thing: Just you watch!

_With Drew and Py_

Thing: Ha, what now?

Py: Whom are you talking to?

Thing: Um, no one in particular…

Drew: Ooh, thirteen seconds, Py! Beat that…!

Drew puts the spoon on his tongue again, trying to top his last record.

Py: Ya know, I think I'm just going to waltz into the cave now.

_Inside the Cave_

Py: Hey, where's the Thing? I thought we would be getting mail now: you know how Helga's like, right, Drew?

Drew: Yeah well, he can't catch up with the italics.  
Py: Oh, okay then. Too bad for him, I guess. We'll just wait here until he comes.

Ugly Monster: Hey, guys. Want to play hearts or something? How about taking turns on (spider) solitaire?

Py: Eek! A monster- hey, why aren't you scared, Drew?

Drew: Why are there two Py's…? Oh, you're the monster! Hehe… Oh, how about hearts once Thing joins us?

Ugly Monster: Call me Ned, please. D'you mean the little black-and-white-striped fluff ball that came in here earlier? Yeah, sure, let's wait.

Py faints, unable to retain his sanity.

_Fifteen Minutes Later_

_Ha, Thing; do you give up now? Am I faster, huh?_

Thing: Ugh, yep! Boy, I'm so tired… Well, are we gonna play hearts or not? (What do you say we team on Drew? I just passed him the queen of spades!)

Py: Wow, that was some nice shuffling there, Ned. (Yeah, let's. I hate him.)

Ned: Thanks, Py: it's a trick only us ugly monsters know… (Yeah, Drew's too easy.)

Drew: Shouldn't Py be able to do it then? (No, don't! I'm really good…)

Ned: Come on, Drew, don't you know how to play? I _did _give you the two of clubs, didn't I? (Hmm, and then we can gang up on Py later. He's so stupid.)

Drew: Oh, right. I, er, forgot how to momentarily. Hehe… (I agree about team on Py… but not me. Please!)

Py: Mwahahaha! I didn't get any clubs… (What?!)

Drew: Hey, I want a club! (Can I hit Py with it?)

Py: I think I'm winning… ha! (Do that, Drew, and you're dead meat.)

Drew: Got any threes? (Why are we communicating in parentheses?)

Ned: This is not "Go Fish," ding-dong! (I dunno.)

Py: Hmm… oh crap, is that Helga? (Remember? The parentheses indicate whispering and/or muttering and/or anything else and/or etcetera. Okay?)

Helga: Helga, the fat lady? Where?

Drew: I don't know, Helga… Helga! Uh, it was all Py's idea, playing card games…

Ned: No, it was mine. Oh, wait – yes, Py thought of it all.

Py: That's not being fair! Drew participated and wanted to rest in the middle of this adventure. Oh, and Thing, too.

Helga: I don't care! While you four were playing hearts, I found the Triforce of Wisdom piece. (And the Goddesses know how much you two fools need it…)

Thing: "You two fools," eh? So that would mean Drew and Py?

Drew: Yup, it sure would, Thing! Uh… what are we talking about, again?

Py: Your mom!

Drew: People only use those jokes when they're desperate for humor…

Py: That's what she said!

Drew: It's only funny when the previous statement is related to sex… Even then, I have my doubts.

Py: Oh, fine. That's what Drew said!

Drew: Well, yeah, I _did_ just say that.

Helga: Ahem! Well, I am afraid Thing must go back to his original universe, and Ned needs to live inside his cave again. They haven't exactly been helpful (more like distractions). Now, Drew and Py, off with you two scoundrels- er, heroes!

Thing: Whoopee, time to go back! Boy, the girls will be impressed with my new coat.

Thing somehow jumps into a portal and warps back to his world (not the real world, either). Drew and Py have their eyebrows furrow into a "v" position.

Py **whining**: Aw man, now we're stuck with this stupid job by ourselves… me with equipment, you as a stupid weird Midna-like monster. Argh, we don't even know where the next piece is!

Helga **like a brat**: Well, good luck to you two – you'll need it a lot!

Helga uses magic to teleport back to the castle.

Drew **mad**: You call _me_ stupid and weird? What are you talking about? Heck, you're a human!

Py: That was uncalled for… (Maybe we should split up.)

Drew **gulping**: Yup. And so is that thing standing right behind you, its mouth full o' acidic saliva… (We _definitely_ should not split now.)

* * *

**Pretty cool/stupid, right? Wait for the next one... which may come in a few weeks.**


	3. Triforce of Power

**Well, here's the third chapter. I'd like to thank one of my fans (or something like that), "Jane O'Callaghan." Well, here's "Triforce of Power."**

* * *

Chapter III: Triforce of Power

Py: What thing? Didn't Thing leave already?

Drew: Well, it's a different thing.

Py: Oh, you mean Ned…

Drew: Nope, you're wrong.

Py: So it's a _thing_. Right?

Drew **babbling incoherently**: Bah, not that kind of thing! Um… well, how would you classify a thing with small fangs, acid saliva, seven eyes, antennae, pink fur, five legs, and a tail?

Py: Ooh, Hillary Clinton?

Drew: Nah, guess again.

Py: Aaron Carter? Seriously, tell me if I get close.

Drew: Eh, not yet.

Py: Michael Jackson!

Drew: Uh, closer still.

(Different) Thing: Hey, I resent that!

Py turns around now to face the (different) thing.

Py: Oh, it's a Helga II! Why didn't you tell me, Drew?

Drew **gulping**: Because Helga has super-hearing (I think).

Py: Oh crud, I forgot that little detail…

Helga II **frothing at the mouth**: Hey, I resent being like her, too! Now I'm just gonna have to eat you two- ooh, look! It's a green butterfly!

Helga II runs off, chasing a small butterfly into the nearby meadows.

Drew: Hmm, I somehow get the feeling we're supposed to be following the monster.

Py: What, follow it? I don't think so! I get the feeling too, but no way am I going to follow it! I'm scared.

Drew: Well, would you go into the meadow where it is?

Py: Yeah, sure. See, why couldn't you have just said _that_ instead? You sounded like a crazy person back then, Drew.

Drew: Well, I'm semi-Numemon/imp now! I think that gives me some leeway.

Py: Maybe we should just follow the monster now…

Drew **mockingly**: "Couldn't you have said it friendlier, like 'go to the meadow' instead? You sound like a crazy person…"

Py: Argh, never mind! Let's just go there…

Py points to the meadows where Helga II headed off.

Drew **grinning**: Okay.

_In the Meadow_

Drew: Well, it certainly looks peaceful here.

Py: Er… yeah. If you count a raving rabid Helga II tearing through the flowers to chase a butterfly peaceful. Which I don't.

Drew: But, as a matter of fact, I do.

Py: Uh, that's just weird.

Drew: By the way, shouldn't we be trying to save Hyrule?

Py: Oh, right. I forgot…

Drew: Sheesh, I thought you were supposed to be the smarter one here! I'm supposed to be the goof ball… wait; did I just say that about myself?

Py: Hey, look, we are trying to subdue Helga II. That counts as saving Hyrule, doesn't it? Maybe she will even hold a key or something. (Yeah, you just called yourself a goof ball. Ha!)

Py snickers gleefully.

Drew: Oh, right! And I suppose you're going to say the meadows contain a piece of the Triforce?

Py: Yes, I am. Look, it's even on that sign! How's that for proof, eh, buddy?

Py points to a broken down sign made of wood.

Drew **sighing**: You don't even know who put that there…

Py: Good point, but I still say we go on! First, we need to capture Helga II, though; if only Shaggy and Scooby were here to help us be bait for her!

Drew: We'd still be missing Scooby Snacks. And anyways, we don't have them. So what do we do now, huh? How do we subdue her?

Py: How about if you go tackle her, and I'll stay behind to make sure everything's okay.

Drew: What!

Py: Would you do it for a _Drewby_ Snack?

Drew: Alright, I'll do it. Just as long as you never say "Drewby Snack" ever again.

Py **sighing**: Okay, buddy- hey, look! Helga II is coming… Get ready, Drew.

Drew: 'Kay… (Feint left! Now right- there…! It's my chance!)

Drew pounces on Helga II, who goes crazy.

Py: Here, Drew, I'll help you!

Py runs over and kicks Helga II's shin, who cries out in agony.

Drew: You're making it worse, moron! Use a bomb or something!

Py: Well, alright. But what if it sets the meadow on fire?

Drew: It never did that to Hyrule Field in Twilight Princess! Just do it!

Py sets a bomb on the ground and blows it up, setting the whole meadow on fire.

Drew: Dang it, can't you do anything right?

Py: You're blaming me?! First off, it was your idea; secondly, bombs didn't do that in the video games; third-

Drew: Video games aren't based off reality! Gah, help me already!

Helga II bucks violently, trying to get away from the fire and Drew.

Py: Jump into her mouth!

Drew: What! Are you trying to get me killed here?

Py **laughing**: Nope; maybe you'll just give her indigestion. Ha!

Drew: Now's not the time for stupid jokes, Py! (Idiot…)

Py: Oh, right. Sorry… hehehe.

Drew pulls out a pile of poop and tosses it inside Helga II's mouth, who tries to spit it out. Drew decides to cram it in more fiercely.

Py: Hey, I didn't know you can still do that here, Drew. You're not a Numemon anymore!

Drew: I retained my improvising powers from the last story- er, last time. Hey, you could help me out some more, ya know.

Py: No need to, my friend… look! Your poop did the trick.

Py points to Helga II. Helga II seems to be thrashing on the meadow grass, writhing terribly before finally choking to death. The fire somehow extinguishes.

Drew **guiltily**: Uh, that seemed a bit too violent to me.

Py: Now's not the time to feel reproach! Come on; let's get to the next dungeon…

Drew: So where's the next dungeon, Py?

Py: Um, the last one was a cave on the beach… so maybe the next one is in Las Vegas!

Drew: Ah, you wish. We didn't even bring money.

Py: A guy can dream, can't he?

Drew: Speaking of dreams, I had one last night that I was eating a giant marshmallow.

Py: So _that_'s what happened to my white pillow…! Wait; how'd we get on this topic?

Drew: And who's that wacko running over here? He's a half-naked man, Py…

Py: Eek! The mailman… he probably took the place of Thing!

Drew: Ah, crud! He's coming? Run, Py!

Py: Why?

Drew: He's evil in disguise!

Drew and Py run around the meadow, but the mail carrier eventually catches up.

Mailman: Dang, you guys run faster than those bulldogs that chase after me! The next time you do such a trick, I'll cripple you, alright? Well, here's your mail; have a nice day!

The mail carrier gives the letter and dashes away, leaving Drew and Py speechless.

Py: Hmm, it's from Helga… saying that the next dungeon is in Vegas! Wahoo, baby!

Drew **complaining**: But that's not even in the land of Hyrule.

Py: I wonder if we'll have to haul our weapons. It might not attract the Vegas chicks.

Drew: Py, we're doing serious business! (Plus, no one would go out with _you_.)

Py: And then there's the issue of which casino to go to… I didn't exactly bring anything lucky with me. (No girls would go with you either, ugly face.)

Drew: Ooh, how about my rabbit's foot?

Py: Yuck! Well, it'll do…

Drew: Then let's go!

Py: Right; to Vegas!

Drew: Where do you think we can catch a fly?

Py: Hmm, I heard there was a decent airline in Hyrule Field. It _did_ say something about chickens, however.

Drew: Ooh, let's go check it out!

The duo move on, unaware that Helga II's already-decaying body dropped a piece of the Triforce under it – the Power one. A shadow picks it up minutes later.


	4. Friend or Foe

Chapter IV: Friend or Foe

_At Hyrule Field_

Py: _This_ is the stinking airline?

Drew: Hey, what are you talking about? See, those kids are having fun… _and_ I don't see them plugging their noses.

Drew: Now that I think about it, it's not even in Hyrule. Aren't they in two different dimensions?

Py: I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't work out.

Drew: Still, we should check it out.

Py sighs and tags along with Drew.

_At the Man_

Man: Hey, children, come back with the-

Py taps the man on the shoulder, who turns around.

Man **irritated**: What now, Jerry, can't you see I'm- oh, you're not Jerry. Where'd he go?

Py **fuming**: What? Drew and I aren't- watch what you're saying, buddy!

Drew: Take it easy, old buddy… Come on, take _deep_ breaths…

Py stalks off, angry at the man. Drew explains how he is sensitive to age-related remarks.

Man: Oh, I get it now! Well, then, how can I help you?

Drew: Well, we need a one- no, make that a round trip ticket to Las Vegas in the Real World, please.

Man **laughing**: Ha, and you don't think Hyrule is a "Real World," mister? I'm sorry; I have no idea what you are-

Drew: Moron, I mean Earth! You know, the Solar System back in that other dimension where they have something called cars? It's got flying rides called planes, and-

Man: Oh, there! Sure, we've got tickets; they cost extra for trans-dimensional travel, sir. That takes us to… oh, maybe 25,000 Rupees?

Drew: (Py better have enough…) Hey Py, get your butt over here!

Py: Wassup, dawgs?

Drew: So, Py, do you have 25,000 Rupees?

Py: 25,000 Rupees? Do they accept dollars?

Drew: I dunno.

Drew walks back over to the man, only to be turned down and slapped.

Py: Wow, that was harsh. Are you all right? Why'd he slap you?

Drew: Err, I asked him for 25,000 Rupees.

Py: Um, well, it looks like we're going to have to find 25,000 rupees.

Drew: Hey, I know! We'll go to Vegas, win the lottery, and then pay that person to give us tickets to Vegas! Oh, right… we can't get to Vegas.

The duo stay for a while, trying to think up of a solution so that Drew, Py, and the guy are all "happy."

Py: Brain blast!

Drew **moaning**: But we haven't even brain_stormed_ yet, Py! We were only pondering…

Py: Bah, we're smart enough to skip that part! Anyways, we could try to find all of the golden bugs and give them to the girl from Twilight Princess… Agitha or something, right?

Drew: Hey, that's actually not such a bad idea – I might still remember where the bugs' locations are! C'mon, I'll go search southeast of Hyrule; you can take northwest.

Py: Uh, I'd rather go look in Castle Town. Maybe there are bugs hanging off those drawbridges at the exits, y'know?

Drew: I don't think they're in the town, Py. On second thought… maybe _I_ can cover the northwest section. How about that?

Py: Hey, I finished Twilight Princess (at least this part)! I know where the bugs are… I've just temporarily forgotten them, that's all. You can go back to the southeast part, Drew – there's practically nothing to this search.

Drew **sighs**: Whatever… Just hurry up, alright? (Ugh, I almost hope you _can't _find them, Py.)

_With Drew_

Drew: Hmm, maybe I can search all around this field! Too bad I can't ride on Epona – that would make things go so much faster!

Drew spots a green-clad figure riding on a brown-and-white horse across the fields. Upon closer inspection, Drew notices they are Link and Epona, and flags them down with a wave.

Drew: Hey Link, Hero of Time! What are _you_ doing here?

Link gives a grunt and shouts.

Drew: Crud, Nintendo never gave you a voice… I sure hope those dialogue boxes pop up soon.

Drew waits a few moments before he starts chattering away. Link does not seem to notice his talking.

Drew: Hey Link; Link! Darn it, stop ignoring me! Link!

Link shouts, but can do no more verbally. However, he lunges off of Epona and lands heroically in front of Drew.

Drew: Now now, Link, let's not be hasty… Is it too late to apologize for, um, my rudeness?

Link reaches for the sword on his back.

Drew: Gah! What are you going to do with that?

Link pulls the sword out of its sheath and raises it dangerously above his head.

Drew: Ah, please don't hurt me! Please!

Link swings the sword, slaying a goblin creature that was about to attack Drew.

Drew **relieved**: Ooh… thanks, Link!

Drew senses this is his opportunity.

Drew **conspicuously**: Say, now that we're such good friends, do you happen to have 25,000 Rupees you want to give to me?

* * *

**Another of my shorter chapters, I surreptitiously ended this before anyone realized the chapter's title didn't really make sense. Oh wait, did I just reveal that?**

**Anyway, I'd really like to thank Jane O'Callaghan - even though she knows how poorly edited this story is (good thing she didn't see the original product), she still writes great reviews (at least, when I post a chapter). And even though _this_ one sucks a little, she knows I know she knows I know that she's gonna write another review that's probably in favour of this story, so I'll just thank her in advance. And now that I've said that, Jane will _have_ to write a good review for this - otherwise she'll seem like a bad person after all! Ha, I can be so devious at times, don't you think?**

**Just kidding. Mostly.**


	5. The Adventure Continues

**I'm sure none of you (actually, it's probably just one person) want to hear me ramble, so I'll make it quick. Thanks to my fan(s), and blah, blah, blah. All right, I'm done. Wasn't so bad, was it?**

* * *

Chapter V: The Adventure Continues

Link angrily shouts disapprovingly, mad at Drew's ridiculous statement.

Drew: Okay, I get the point – you need them too. Well, you can always loan…

Link gets back on Epona and wordlessly tosses Drew a single rupee.

Drew **shouting**: Gee whiz, thanks, Link!

Py **breathlessly**: Hey Drew, I'm back! I have all of _my_ golden bugs already; what about you?

Drew: Uh, I'm still working on that. You see…

Py: Bah, you're giving excuses! Unless you saw Link-

Drew **shouting**: But I did! See this lil' green rupee right here?

Drew holds up the rupee Link gave him and Py stares in awe.

Py: You idiot, why didn't you contact Helga? If she knew Link was also trying to save Hyrule, we wouldn't have to do this work…

Drew: Oh, drat. You're right! Well, how do we chase Link then?

Py thinks for a moment, and then jumps onto Drew.

Drew: Hey, what're you doing? I'm no horse, dummy!

Py: Well, you're more of a horse than I am. And even if _I_ were the horse, you wouldn't have to ride on me because you can hover…

Drew: Hey, I resent being like Midna; so there! I'd change my figure if I could, but it was completely random.

DigiDrew: No, it's not! I made you up… and I made you this way. It wasn't random.

Py: Yeah, here what your maker said?

Drew: Oh, dang it.

Py: Anyways, less talk, more chasing! Onward to victory, Drew!

Drew groans, and reluctantly obeys.

Py: Which way did he go, boy?

Drew: Um, that way. No, no, _that_ way… (Hey, don't call me that!)

Py: Make up your mind!

Drew: Okay, okay, we'll go left!

Drew swerves to his right.

Py: That's the right, brainiac! Go your _other_ right…

Drew: Oh, whoops. _To the left, to the left…_

Py: Don't you dare start singing that song, now!

Drew** pouting**: Aw, fine.

Drew eventually catches up to Link and Epona, and Py encourages Drew to follow them.

_Later, Flying Alongside Epona_

Drew: Seriously, Link, we've been going for fifteen minutes! Stop already, okay?

Py: Yeah, my stallion needs to rest too! Of course, if you don't stop, I guess it'll be too bad for him…

Drew: Hey, what?! Link, you stop right now!

Link halts Epona's dash and glances questioningly at Drew.

Drew: Ah, that's much better! Anyway, we've got something to discuss with you…

Py: Here's the thing: we need you to come with us to a (horrible) woman named Helga.

Link suddenly makes a horrified face at the mentioning of "Helga."

Drew: Um, do you know her already?

Py: Maybe she's his mother!

Link is appalled at his suggestion and prepares to stab Py with the Master Sword.

Py: All right, all right, I was only joking! Sorry about that. Jeez…

Link then stops his act, but remains still on his horse.

Py: Link, come on! We need to take you to Helga!

Link does not budge.

Drew: Link! Get over here!

Drew attempts to grab Link's leg and yank him off of Epona, but fails.

Py: I don't think this is gonna work…

Drew smacks Link on the head, and suddenly something appears out of nowhere (actually, Link's shadow); upon closer inspection by the two heroes, they find it is the Twilight Princess, Midna.

Midna: Just what do you two think you're doing?

Py: Ugh… it's Midna. I prefer Link and Zelda as a couple more.

Link conceals his face form Midna and blushes.

Midna: Hey, what?!

Drew: No, err… He meant that you and Link make a cuter couple! (Py, you moron!)

Midna: Well, _that_'s better. Hey, at least I'm not Ilia, am I right?

Py: Actually…

Drew: Py, shut it!

Py: Well, Ilia wasn't _too_ bad! She was just an annoying and stupid naïf.

Drew: Uh, Py… You had better stop talkin' bad 'bout Ilia…

Py: What? Why?

Midna: Yeah, why?

Drew points behind them, where Ilia is standing with a giant axe.

Drew: That's why; run!

Py: C'mon, Drew, skedaddle!

Midna **to dumbfounded Link**: Run, you dumb elf-lookalike, run!

DigiDrew: (Hey, Midna make a pun!)

Link hops back onto Epona and takes off. Py notices they go in the opposite direction.

Py: Yeah, I think we should follow them.

Drew: Well, we should lose Ilia first!

Ilia: Annoying and stupid, huh? I'll show you annoying and stupid!

Py: Oh, did _I_ say that? I meant… err, beautiful and smart!

Drew: Don't get me, I didn't say anything- ow! (How can she be stupid _and_ smart?)

Ilia hits Py on the right leg, which amazingly drops out a heart. In the upper left-hand-corner, Py notices he lost half a heart of his health meter.

Drew: Okay, that looks a lot worse than my injury.

Py: Shut up! Just turn around so I can get away safely!

Drew: But I'm so tired-

Py hops onto Drew and takes off in the same direction Link went, narrowly missing Ilia's mad swipe.

Ilia: No, you two cheaters! Come back here! I'm not finished yet…

Py: Hey, I wonder how Ilia got there just as I spoke of her.

Drew: Maybe it's magic or something… Helga! She must have taken revenge on your from when you talked about how Helga II looked like Helga in the second chapter. Yeah, that's right…

Py: That's a good thought, Drew, but I still believe in something more… plausible.

Drew: Isn't it plausible?

Py: Nope, it was just possible. See, there's a better chance of it being related to the space-time cont-

Drew: Gah, shut up!

Py: Right, right. I forgot how sensitive you are to the whole "space-time continuum" thing. But can I help it that it's the answer for everything?

Drew: Oh, shut up. Again.

Py: Fine. Do we get any free peanuts on this flight?

Drew: If I'm not getting any peanuts, _you_'re not getting any peanuts.

Py: That's what-

Drew: Shut up.

Py: Look, do we even have enough money yet-

Drew: Shut up.

Py: You know, that's getting-

Drew: Shut up.

Py –old.

Drew: Shut up.

Py: Hey look, it's Midna!

Drew: Where?

Py: So here I am, wondering if you really like Midna, or if it's just your impy hormones.


	6. Planning

**Here it is... And that's all I'm going to say. Really.**

* * *

Chapter VI: Planning

_At Ordon Village_

Link gets off Epona, takes out something rod-shaped, and goes fishing.

Drew: Whew, we've finally arrived!

Py **grumbling**: About time, too… Well, I see Link; you wanna bring him to Helga, or vice versa?

Drew: I say we bring Link to Helga.

Py: Yeah, good choice. So what should we do? Bait him? Threaten him?

Drew: How about "we have candy for you, little boy?"

Py: Hmm, I dunno; we don't have a van to kidnap him in. And come to think of it, Link's pretty big. He's not little at all.

Drew: Well, I guess that's that. Plan A doesn't work because we can't kidnap him, Plan B is hopeless 'cause there's no way for us to threaten him, and Plan C – well, _that_'s nonexistent.

Py: Oh, we can still use one of my backup plans.

Drew: Which one? D or E?

Py: Actually, it's F-

Drew: For "Failure," am I right?

Py: That wasn't funny.

Drew: I thought that was hilarious!

Py: Whatever. Quick, Link's almost done fishing!

Drew: Wait a sec, this is funny! Look at him tugging on his Wii remote!

Py: A Wii remote? Where'd he get that?

Drew: He's a Nintendo character, remember that?

Py: So are we going with Plan F?

Drew: For "Failure?" All right.

Py: No, it's "Fantastic!" You remember what it is?

Drew: I thought these were _your_ backup plans! Shouldn't you know what they are?

Py: Nope… Rats, we'll just have to improvise again.

Drew: Ugh, _again_? I hate it when we improvise… I always get hit (because of you).

Py: What was that?

Drew: Nothing.

_With Link_

Py **disguised as Colin, joyfully**: Hi, Link! Can we play?

Link **dialogue boxed**: No, I'm too busy today. Go away.

Drew **disguised as Rusl, forcefully**: Hello there, Linky boy! Go on, you should play more while you're young! Off with you, laddie.

Link becomes startled, jumps, and drops his Wii remote in the water.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Aw, now you owe me two hundred rupees!

Drew **disguised as Rusl**: Err, but I don't have-

Link **dialogue boxed**: Want to fight, old man?

Drew **disguised as Rusl**: Hey now, boy, has your quest made you disrespectful to your elders?

Link **dialogue boxed**: First off, there's the _real_ Rusl right there… Secondly, how do you know about me trying to save Hyrule, you naïve fool?

Drew **disguised as Rusl, fumbling**: Well, you see, _that_'s not Rusl… No, of course not. Moreover, I don't think I said that… err, I… um, you see… Run, Colin!

Py runs after Drew, tearing his costume off. Link eyes the two wearily and looks for the Wii remote in the water.

Py **sarcastically**: Well, great! That worked extraordinarily well.

Drew tears off his costume angrily, and shouts at Py.

Drew **eyes flaring**: Hey, if you had remembered Plan F in the first place-

Py **speechless**: But it would've been all right! Then _you_ had to mess it up-

Drew: You're the one who wrote me my lines-

Py: Well, now what? If we can't get Link to Helga, we'll have to bring Helga here.

Drew: We can't even do that. In addition, if we could, there's no way I'd let you ride on me again!

Helga suddenly appears from the distance and walks right past them.

Helga: Hey, guys.

Py: Oh, hello.

Drew: Say, Helga, do you know where we could find you?

Helga: Gee, that's a toughie. But if I were me, I'd probably be in a meadow…

Py: Thanks, Helga! C'mon, Drew, we've gotta find Helga! (You did something good for once, too… Awkward.)

_At the Grassy Meadow where Drew and Py Defeated Helga II_

Py: Hey look, that's… not Helga! Oh, where could she be?

Drew: I dunno. Who'd we ask for directions again?

The duo are silent before the truth dawned on them.

Py: Crud, we'd been fooled by her.

Drew: Oh man, _Link _was really Helga in disguise!

Py: Yeah, I know- what?

Drew: Crap, let's go back already!

Py: No, Drew… I think you've got it all wrong. But you should go back to Ordon Village all the same…

Drew and Py stand still for a few minutes, doing nothing.

Drew: Hmm, I sense a disturbance…

Py: Me, too. I feel a sudden longing to kick sand in Link's face.

Drew: Well, let's go find Helga- I mean, Link!

Py: Umm, Drew, I think the person you asked for directions earlier _was_ Helga. Your idea is just plain wacky.

Drew: Hey, just because it is _my_ idea doesn't mean it's bad! … Err, does it?

Py: It does. But anyway, good luck with that. I'm not coming.

Drew: What? But why not?

Py: I'm making waffles!

Drew: Waffles? With butter?

Py: Yep! Want some for when you come back?

Drew: Meh, sure. However, it might take about half an hour…

_At Ordon Village_

Helga: Hello there, Link. You're not dead yet?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ah, it's you! …Ah, it's you. I thought you were those two morons who kept bothering me… No, I'm still alive. How's your substitution job going?

Helga: Oh, it's fine. I guess being a substitute princess is pretty hard, though.

Link **dialogue boxed**: But why did you send those two goofballs to (help me) save the kingdom? They don't seem like hero material to me.

Helga: Oh, but they are. They've actually saved their own dimension twice before (thought mostly on accident). They're here to banish the Dark Lord, Ganondorf, to another realm forever.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Can't Zelda and I just do that…? Well, as long as Ganondorf won't come back to haunt my successors… Where'd they go now?

Drew: Oh, hey you two- I found you, Helga!

Helga **grumbling**: Yes, I can see that you did. What is it you want from me?

Drew: Well, see, there's Link (I can see you two have been getting acquainted in my absence), who's the _real_ hero, and because he's here to save Hyrule, Py and I think we should be able to just go home. Good idea, no?

Helga: It's a good idea, but you can't, because you two are the Legendary Fools- err, Heroes who will forever banish away Link- err, Ganondorf to the dark realm.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Hey, where's the other guy? Pee-y or something?

Drew: It's pronounced "Py." And he's in some far-off meadow that Helga pointed us to earlier.

Helga: Why didn't he come? What's he doing?

Drew: Oh, he's making some waffles.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ooh, waffles? Let's hurry!

Link grabs Drew's and Helga's hands and dashes off to where he thinks Py is.

Drew: Uh, it's the other way, Link.

_A Few Hours Later, With Py_

Py **pouting**: I thought you said you'd be back in thirty minutes! Not a few hours…

Drew: Yeah, whatever. Helga was too lazy to use magic, and- ouch!

Helga smacks Drew on the head.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Drew got lost. Anyways, where are the waffles?

Py **suggestively**: You guys took so long I was able to eat them all. I _could_ make some, but Helga's the woman here…

Helga **grumbling**: Why, I oughta just- I should do all the cooking, is that what you mean?

Py **stammering**: Well, no, not necessarily; I was just stating a fact. Of course I'll make some for everyone! Yes, I'll just go now.

Helga: That's good! Now, Drew and Link, you two can wash my car while we're at it.

Drew: A car? But this is Hyrule, isn't it? I didn't know you had cars here…

Helga: Well, err… I mean, go wash my horse!

Link **dialogue boxed**: What's its name?

Helga: She's Epona. Great name, isn't it?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh, okay.

Drew **puzzled**: But that sounds like _your_ horse, Link, don't you think?

Link **dialogue boxed, perplexed**: Yeah, it does-

Helga: No, it's just a coincidence. Really.

Link **dialogue boxed, suspicious**: Well, I've gotta go… you know, _go_… right now, so excuse me.

Link runs away, leaving Drew to do the bothersome chore of washing Epona.

Py **joyfully**: Yay, the waffles are done now! Hey, where's Link, Drew?

Drew: He went off weirdly to do his "business," if you catch my drift. Whoa, these are actually pretty good for food you made, Py!

Py: Yup, they- hey!

Helga: I need a bottle of strawberry syrup, waitress Py!

Py: "Waitress?!"

* * *

**I was originally going to put in this part, but it would contradict with so many things (not that the plot isn't retconning or controversial already):**

**Link** dialogue boxed**: Man, I hate that Helga... She's as ugly as Ganondorf, she's mean, demanding, and almost evil, and she's so dang fat!  
Helga: Is that so, Linky-boy?  
Link **dialogue boxed**: What, who- oh, I imagined her. Seriously, she's so creepy.  
Zelda: Well, I've never heard of any "Helga" before, royal or not. Maybe she's an imposter?  
Link **dialogue boxed**: I dunno, but she got two freaks to join me in my quest against the great evil-  
Zelda: Wait; you said two freaks? Was one of them like Midna, or were they both fairies?  
Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, one of them was a human, and the other was kinda like Midna. Kind of like a magical ghost, ya know?  
Zelda: But those aren't the two warriors that will help you - they're the two fools!  
Link **dialogue boxed**: What! Well then, I've gotta save them from anymore danger by sending them back to their own realm.  
Zelda: Okay. Bring them to me, and I can send 'em back to the Real World.  
Link **dialogue boxed**: The only question is, why would Helga lie to me about them? Unless she's the Dark Lord...**

**Of course, it _does_ tell us a lot about Helga and the next chapter already.**


	7. Triforce of Courage

**Hello, gang! First off, thanks a lot to Jane oh Call-Again for putting my truth-or-dare review be a part of her story; secondly, many thanks to Drew for his wonderful comedic ideas (after all, we're in this together as partners - I just don't know why he doesn't ask for me to stop updating this on my profile and just do it on one that's the both of ours); and also to myself because... well, why _wouldn't_ I thank myself? Anyways, kudos to all the people mentioned above, and on with the story!**

* * *

Chapter VII: Triforce of Courage

_Hours Later_

Py: Whoa, so _this_ is the Kokiri Forest! I've never played those older games, but now I'd certainly like to…

Drew: Oh, this is nothing compared to- ooh, a Kokiri child!

Py: Umm, aren't they _all_ children?

Helga **to Kokiri**: Get a move on it, you brat! We don't want little kids in our way in our quest against evil. Ain't that right, Link?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Yes, but "ain't" ain't a real word.

Drew: That ain't so!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Didn't I just say "ain't" ain't a real word?

Kokiri: Yes.

Helga: Why are you still here? Scram!

The Kokiri looks at Link, who shakes his head sideways. The child disappears into the depths of the forest in two seconds.

Py: Wow, neat trick there. Wonder if it'll work with your fan girls, eh, Drew?

Drew: Aw, you're just jealous I've got more than you!

Py: That's not true! Girls swoon once they hear my name!

Drew: "Py" ain't even a real name!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Hey, look, "ain't" ain't a real word, so stop using it!

Helga: All three of you, shush now!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, actually, I'm not making any sound.

Py: Not from your mouth, but we hear the little prompt sound that occurs to notify when the player should continue the speech conversation.

Drew: Didn't Helga just tell us to be quiet?

Helga: Yes, I did! And I ain't telling you three again.

Link **dialogue boxed**: I _told_ you, "ain't" ain't a real word!

Helga: If you don't stop saying that, I'll smash your little dialogue box to pieces.

Drew: Hey Helga, what's wrong with your voice? How come it's gotten deeper and raspier? It's like there's something stuck inside your throat… I could look down it.

Py: Are you trying to ask Helga out?

Helga: What? No, I'm fine! Stop pestering the King of-

Suddenly Kokiri children appear and tease Link's speech problem for no reason.

Py: Hey, stop it! You're hurting Link's feelings…

Drew: …And you won't like him when he's angry. Even if you are Kokiri…

Link starts swinging his sword around like a maniac (as if he was not one already).

Py: See? We told ya so…

Kokiri children: Ah! Help, mommy!

As the Kokiri children run off one last time and Link cools down, Drew gives a sigh.

Drew: Kids. Can't live with them, but can't live without 'em, either. Don't you just love their chubby faces?

Py **exasperated **and Link **dialogue boxed**: No.

Helga: Hey, the kids dropped something…

Drew picks up the shining object.

Drew: Sweet, a golden amulet!

Py: And what does that have to do with our journey?

Drew **shrugs**: Who knows? But in Zelda games, usually everything you find on the ground turns out to be useful eventually.

Py: Well, all the same, I wonder what that cool amulet does…

Helga: Maybe, it helps you… CONQUER THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHA!

Drew: Uh, Helga? Are you still sure you wanna pass on me checking your throat?

Helga: Err, yes. I just… ahem, well, you see… What I really meant to say was "save the world," you know? But sometimes you get the words mixed up…

Link **dialogue boxed**: Hey, Drew and Py, can I talk to you for a second?

Py: But we still have to find the Triforce of Courage to battle Ganondoofus, right?

Helga **impatient**: Yes, but I can scout ahead for it right now. You three stay here, got it?

Drew: Yeah. So Link, what was it you wanted to tell us again?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Hasn't it ever seemed to you guys that Helga seemed a little evil?

Py: It's probably all the stress of being a substitute princess.

Link **dialogue boxed**: And her voice and everything! I think she's Ganondorf himself!

Drew: Watch how you use those contradicting pronouns, Link…

Py: Drew's right! Besides, just because Helga is manly for a woman doesn't mean that allows you to make fun of her with such a crude joke!

Link **dialogue boxed, flabbergasted**: But haven't you seen the way she handles herself?

Drew: You know, that can have a certain double meaning to some people…

Link **dialogue boxed, ignoring Drew**: The way she moves like a man accustomed to battling with swords… That evil glare in her left eye… That should all be enough proof!

Py: Just because a girl plays with swords doesn't make her a man!

Drew: That can have two meanings too.

Py **ignoring Drew**: The point is, Helga's not a villain! Enough already, Link; I've heard _more_ than your fair share of comments for the moment. I'm gonna go help out Helga…

Link **dialogue boxed**: But she's lying! I don't even remember a story with two other heroes who help the Hero of Time.

Drew: Oh, so now you don't think we're cut out for the job, huh, Mr. "Hero of the Winds?" Oh, such pompousness!

Py: I know! Well, we'll show _him_! Come on, Drew!

Drew: Yeah! We can save Hyrule, too. Let's go!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh, no… You two don't really think you can help, do you?

Py runs over to where Helga is and starts to talk to her, only to have Link muffle his mouth. The trio hides behind the tall grasses as they observe Helga.

Drew: (Wait, is _that_ Helga? But she looks so much like Ganon…)

Py: (Technically, Ganon's the boar form, so this would be the biped Ganondork.)

Link **dialogue boxed**: (Told you so!)

Drew: ("Technically?" But we don't live in a technical world!)

Py: (Maybe not, but it sure seems like it often… Plus, this isn't where we live! We got here by a freak accident of the space-time continuum!)

Link **dialogue boxed**: Shut up, you two! Just watch Helga's evil ritual in silence for now.

The camera swerves to show Helga combining both pieces of the Triforce, lacking only one piece.

Helga: Muahahaha! Now I only need the Triforce of Courage that the Hero of Time possesses… and ridding of him and getting a hold of that piece will be an easy task, no doubt.

Link jumps out of the bushes, with a stumbling Drew and struggling Py following him.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Not so fast, you villain! I ain't gonna back down to such evil intents without a fight first! And in that battle, I shall also reclaim those two pieces.

Ganondorf: Ah, but by your sides are the two fools who will unknowingly cause your demise! Those pathetic humans truly believed they could save Hyrule… what a joke, eh?

Py: Hey, we're still here, you know!

Drew: Yeah, we can hear you!

Drew jumps out suddenly and surprisingly leaps at Ganondorf. In the confusion, he manages to grab the Triforce of Wisdom and dashes back towards Py.

Py: How did you do that?

Drew: I'm kinda fast… In case you haven't noticed, I'm a Midna-like thing.

Py: But _you_ don't deserve the Triforce of Wisdom! (Although you _do_ need it more.)

Drew: Yes, I do! I'm smarter than you, duh!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Face it, Ganondorf; you don't stand a chance! We outnumber you three to one. Ha!

Drew: Yeah, we- wait, three's more than one?

Py: Duh, three comes after forty. Come on, Drew, this is first-grade stuff!

Ganondorf: Muahahaha! There's no way you buffoons can defeat _me_!

Py: Well, maybe not, but Drew's grandmother certainly can!

Drew: What? When and how did she get here?

Py: Through a rip in the space-time continuum! Do I always have to explain to you Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

Drew: Stop using the space-time continuum as an excuse! Plus, what do those "robot laws" have to do with the continuum?

Py: Jeez, it turns out there's a _lot _you don't know, huh, Drew?

Drew: Just what's that supposed to mean?

Granny: Be gone, you evil spirit!

Drew's grandmother uses a magical attack on Ganondorf and electrocutes him.

Drew: Whoa! Grandma, where'd you learn that move?

Granny: Uh, I guess too much damage done to the fabric of reality due to too much traveling from the messed space-time continuum somehow gave me these awesome new powers? How am I supposed to know? I'm not the author.

Drew: You've been talking to Py again, haven't you?

Py: By the way, where'd Link go?

Drew: Ooh, over there! Jeez, look before you ask.

Granny: I thought it was "look before you peep!"

Py: Umm, I believe it's actually "look before you _leap_."

Link hops into the air and pulls out his Master Sword, plunging it into Ganondorf.

Ganondorf **pained**: Ah, get off my toe!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ha! Bet 'cha didn't know that I knew your toe was your weak point!

Ganondorf: No! How did you know I didn't know that you knew my toe is my weak point?

Link **dialogue boxed**: I knew you didn't know that I knew your toe was your weak point because it was in the script!

Py: Okay, now I'm getting lost. So Link stabbed Ganondorf in the toe because he knew it was his weak point, or because he _didn't_ know?

Drew: We have a script? Is this all a play like the _last_ Remedies for the Ill?

Link **dialogue boxed**: It's time for me to end this. Die, Ganondorf!

Link jumps up, does a double-back flip, flips forward acrobatically, jumps up again, lands his right foot on Ganondorf's left toe, and stabs him in the chest where his heart would be.

Ganondorf **perishing**: No!

Drew's grandmother steps into a space-time continuum portal that appears all of a sudden.

Granny **fading**: Alright, boys, stop nosing around and come home with me! Hurry, before this portal that just suddenly appeared closes!

Py: You think we should go in there, Drew?

Drew: We'll have to sooner or later, so yeah.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Wait, you two! I'd like to thank you and give you a present, although you barely helped me.

Drew: Hmm, there's a catch, isn't there?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, I _will_ need that Triforce of Wisdom back…

Drew: Ah ha! I knew it!

Link **dialogue boxed**: _But_, I really do wish to give you guys a present.

Py: Okay, enough of the pleasantries, what's the gift? Is it your sword or shield? Maybe even your dorky hat!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Err, no – and it's not dorky! Anyway, it's just a fairy.

Py: Wait, one for the both of us? We have to share? That's not fair…

Drew: What's sharing?

Py: That's when you let someone else use something that's yours; or even have that object be owned by the both of you.

Drew: Isn't that a sin?

Py: Err, last time I checked, it's actually a _good_ thing.

Drew: But it's disgusting!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Uh, I should really give it to you guys before that portal closes…

Py: Oh, right! Thanks, Link; see ya (later)!

Link **dialogue boxed**: (Ugh, I certainly _hope_ not.)

Drew tucks the fairy into his pocket (like the ones Link has – the kind that you can't see) and makes a mad dash towards the portal, followed by Py. As the two reach for it, Drew's hands go inside it… and the portal instantaneously closes in on it.

Drew: Uh, where'd my middle finger go?

Py: Forget that! What do we do now?

Drew **sadly**: But it was my favorite one…

Py: It's entirely your fault, Link! You've gotta help us now.

Link **dialogue boxed**: _Me_? Well, just call Midna for help.

Drew: I hate to break it to you, but I'm Midna now.

Py: Actually, Midna _was_ here. Remember the time when I said Ilia was ugly?

Drew: Oh, right. Well, Midna's not here anyway, so maybe we could use the fairy!

* * *

**That concludes the chapter for now!  
By the way, I'd really appreciate it if anyone who read this would advertise the story (*coughJanecough*). Yes, I _did_ just type that shameful sentence, and yes, I was kidding. I'd never do something like that. Really. :3**


	8. Jobs

**This is _much_ shorter than my last chapter, but oh well. It's more of a bridge than anything else... for story maturation.**

* * *

Chapter VIII: Jobs

Py: So, let's do it, Drew.

Drew: Yep. Come on.

The trio stands still, waiting for something to happen while crickets chirp in the background.

Drew: Err, come on, Py. Are you going to start yet?

Py: Me? I thought _you_ were going to speak to the fairy!

Drew: But I don't know how to.

Py: Well, neither do I. The only person I can think of is Peter Pan, but… meh.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Who's Peter Pan?

Drew kicks a rock angrily while Py sighs, ignoring Link's question.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Aren't you gonna answer me?

Py: No. Can't you see we're busy trying to think?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, you _could_ always ask Zelda for help. I'm not sure if she's as effective as she boasts, but she claims to be the smartest Hyrulean. Huge ego, am I right?

Drew: Err, she does have the Triforce of Wisdom, Link.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Not right now she doesn't.

Py: Regardless, I think it'll still work.

Drew: Yeah, she can probably talk to the fairy.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of sending you back to your dimension…

Py: Oh yeah, that'll work too. Let's go already!

_With Zelda_

Zelda: So all you want me to do is send you back to your own dimension?

Py: Yup, that's about it. Either that, or talk to the fairy so _she_ can send us.

Zelda: You don't think I'm capable?

Drew: No, it's not that… It's just it'll probably take less of your energy.

Zelda: Oh, so now you think I'm weak, eh?

Py: No, just- Look, will you help us or not?

Zelda: Well, I can do it… but there would be a fee.

Drew: But… but…! What's the price?

Zelda: You guys will have to work for me.

Py: But that's a stupid idea!

Link **dialogue boxed**: I agree. You don't want to have them here longer than necessary.

Zelda: Well then, you three will just have to get someone to interpret the fairy's speech.

Py: How much would just teleporting us to Earth cost?

Zelda: Even more than talking to the fairy.

Drew **exasperated**: But what's the price?

Zelda: You can pay me or take care of a few errands.

Link **dialogue boxed**: So I'm off the hook?

Zelda: Exactly. Just those two buffoons who need to get back to the Real World, right?

Py: I choose the latter option. What're the jobs?

Zelda: You have to pay me 25,000 rupees.

Py: That's not a job!

Zelda: If you have a problem, file it to my secretary.

Drew: I didn't know you had a secretary. Is she hot?

Zelda: He's a man.

Py **angrily**: Oh, this is a rip-off. Let's just go to the airport instead, Drew.

Zelda: I think you'll find that the Airlines are closed…

Drew: How would _you_ know?

Thing: _You have a new message. Read?_

Drew: How'd you get here? Oh, never mind. Yeah, we'll read it.

Thing: _As of August 1__st__, the Hyrulean Airlines will be closed for renovation and lack of proper chickens until further notice._

Drew: Isn't today the first of August?

Zelda: Yep. But why don't you read on? I'm pretty sure there's more.

Thing: _We will soon reopen with a brand-new look and better/more chickens (someone seems to have killed them) for the use of the people. Sorry for the inconvenience and have a nice day!_

Py: This seems too much of a coincidence. Don't you think so, Drew?

Drew: What does "coincidence" mean?

Py: Ugh, never mind. But I bet I know who's been killing the chickens…

Link **dialogue boxed**: It wasn't me, I swear!

Zelda: It's just a fake note I made, idiots- I mean… Shouldn't you be getting those rupees for me now?

Drew **to Link**: Are you sure _she_'s not Ganondorf in disguise? She's making us do all those silly jobs!

Link **dialogue boxed**: How dare you speak of the beautiful, talented, caring Zelda that way!

Drew: (Coulda fooled me.)

Py: Well, what's the best way to earn money around here?

Link **dialogue boxed**: You could do what I do!

Py: I meant _besides_ running around and cutting grass like a maniac…

Zelda: Well, you could start by doing my laundry.

Drew: What?!

Py: Don't you have anything else?

Zelda: You can also clean my twenty-seven bathrooms, mow the lawn, or vacuum my twenty-square-mile carpet.

Drew and Py: Jeez…

* * *

**So... yeah. Review. Duh.**


	9. Work

**This is largely influenced by previous Remedies for the Ills, so if you've missed out on them, you may be confused on some parts. But rest assured, aside from those small sections, the newbies out there can still understand it.**

* * *

Chapter IX: Work

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, you do seem to be quite hard on them, Zelda. What happened to your many servants?

Zelda: Those useless ingrates? They're off on vacation… (I don't even know why I have that policy of mine.)

Drew: Well, I'll take the bathroom work – I have experience in that area! (Maybe you have that policy to torture non-staff people who need your kind help.)

Py: I'll do your laundry, Zelda. Where's the room, though?

Zelda gives some (quite) complicated instructions.

Py: Wait, so was that "turn left at the fifteenth corridor" or "turn left at the fiftieth corridor?"

Zelda: Fifteenth, idiot. Be gone now!

Drew: I'll follow suit, alright? I'm pretty sure you said the first toilet was at the sixteenth corridor, right?

Zelda: Of course! Just don't forget to count and you two fools will be all right.

Py: But what will you two do?

Zelda: Business. None of your concern, okay?

Drew: Okay.

Drew and Py make it to the laundry room.

Py: I bet she and Link teleported back to the beach and are drinking those martinis with the little umbrellas in them...

Drew: Aw, Py! She's not like that – didn't you hear what Link said?

Py: Yeah, but that's because she's like that to him!

Drew **disappointedly**: Oh well. She said the first toilet was at the seventeenth corridor, right?

Py **distractedly**: Yeah, she did…

_Later_

Drew: Aha! Seventeenth corridor!

Drew opens the door and finds himself in a room filled with cheese.

Drew: What the- You would never see a bathroom like this in the Digital World. Why is it filled with cheese?!

???: _Join us...._

Drew: Huh? Who's there?

???: _Join usss… and become one of us…_

Drew: Gah! Who's there? Who is that? Stay back! I'm warning you!

???: Marty! How many times have I told you not to frighten the visitors?

???: Sorry, Bertram.

The two unknown creatures step out of the shadows and cheese, revealing their identities: very fat mice.

Bertram **British accent**: Allow me to- Hey, where'd he go?

Marty **Scottish accent**: I think he ran off.

_With Py_

Drew: Py! There're two monsters in the restroom…

Py: Oh, really? Let's go check it out, then.

Py finishes hanging the blouse he was doing and follows Drew.

Py: Okay, here we go... aha! The restroom. Very funny, Drew.

Drew: But… but… This wasn't the room I-

Py: Look, I really want to go home as soon as possible, alright? So get your work done!

Drew **pouting**: Oh, fine…

Py leaves and Drew starts cleaning the restroom with his magical powers when Bertram and Marty walk into it.

Bertram: Hey, mate, we've got to use the loo. Mind if we borrow it for a sec?

Marty: Yeah. See, I really need to- Did he just run off _again_?

_With Py_

Drew: Py! There're two monsters in the restroom right now, really!

Py: Drew, there are no monsters in the restroom!

Drew: B-but, I saw them!

Py: I didn't. It's your overactive imagination again. Get to work.

Drew: Fine…

_In the Bathroom_

Bertram: Why, hello there, mate! How've ya been?

Marty: We're a-done with the loo if you need to use it, laddie!

Drew: Oh yeah? Well, you can't use the "loo," because you're only figments of my overactive imagination!

Bertram: Ya hear that, Marty, the lad thinks we're just figments!

Marty: I'd be insulted if I knew what that meant!

Drew: Gah! You two are driving me crazy!

Bertram: Well, mate, if there's anything we can do to ease your insanity, let us know. Right, Marty?

Marty: Of course!

Drew: But you're just figments of my imagination! You two aren't even real.

Bertram and Marty spare a glance at each other and burst into laughter.

Marty: Lad, we're real. As real as can be, alright?

Bertram: We really do need to help the lad, Marty! He's mad; mad, I tell ya!

Drew: Look, if you two really wanna help out, you can disappear instantly.

Drew closes his eyes and concentrates on making the two rats disappear. It does not work.

Bertram: You constipated, matey?

Drew **angrily**: I'm trying to make you two disappear!

Marty: But only we can do that, you know.

Bertram: Besides, wouldn't you rather have us help you do something? I mean, we do have to thank you for letting Marty use the bathroom privately. God knows what would-a happened if he hadn't…

Marty: Right! Maybe we could pay you, or-

Drew: Did you say pay?

Marty: Uh, yeah. But we don't have much, just a few hundred rupees we keep stealing from the maids when they fill the cheese closets.

Drew: A few hundred? You can start off by paying me all of those! See, I really need to leave Hyrule; I'm actually from another reality altogether.

Bertram: Ya hear that, Marty, the lad thinks he's from another reality!

Marty: I'd think he was crazy if I knew what that meant!

_Later_

Bertram: Here, take these rupees and go get some help, lad!

Marty: Some psychiatric help, ya hear, laddie?

Drew **angrily**: Grr...okay, okay! Well, thanks for the rupees, guys.

Bertram: Any time, lad! Next time ya drop by, be sure to bring us some o' dat cheese!

Marty: Aye, Scottish cheese, laddie!

_With Py_

Drew **happily**: Py! I have three hundred Rupees!

Py **absentmindedly**: That's nice, Drew- what?!

Drew **grinning**: That's right, buddy! Looks like I'm a better worker than you are! (Even though I got them for free…)

Py: What was that you muttered?

Drew: Oh, nothing. (Loser.)

Py: I could-a swore I heard you say something else… but oh well. Hey, maybe I can sell this equipment I have after I'm done with this job. Speaking of jobs, how many restrooms have you cleaned already?

Drew: Uh… only one. Kinda.

Py: What? How'd you… never mind. Just get to work - God knows why you keep on bothering me.

_With Drew_

Drew **grumbling**: What's the point of having seventeen bathrooms if you can only use one butt at a time? Jeez…

Drew enters the second bathroom and starts scrubbing the toilet when his grandmother pops out.

Drew: Granny?! What are _you_ doing here? How'd you even get here through a toilet?

Granny: That's what I'm wondering myself…

Drew: Shouldn't you be in another world that needs you? I mean, you just got back from here a few days ago.

Granny: Yes, of course.

Drew: But why aren't you?

Granny: If I don't know how I got here, do you honestly expect me to believe I know how to get back?

Drew: Well, if you're feeling okay, you could help me clean twenty bathrooms.

Granny **admonishing**: Why, have you no shame in asking your poor grandmother to work?

Drew **stammering**: Err, I _do_ need the money to get back, so I think that makes your point moot.

Granny: Anyway, I thought you said there were only seventeen bathrooms!

Drew: I did? And how'd you know?

Granny: Don't ask me question so impolitely, you impudent child. And I read the script.

Drew: Oh. Well, even so-

Granny: I also checked back, and apparently, she said there were twenty-seven in total.

Drew: So if I finish this one, I'll have thirty bathrooms left!

Granny: Err, no, you wouldn't; you'd have twenty-five.

Drew: Grandma, do you seriously think I can't do math?

Granny: Yes, my dear. Now, get to work!

Drew **whining**: (You sound so much like Py right now…) Why don't you help me out here?

Granny **angrily**: I told you already, I would not stoop so low as to clean a toilet!

Drew: But you flew out of one just a few moments ago.

Granny **considering**: That's beside the point. I guess I _could_ help you by giving out tips…

Drew's grandmother laughs maniacally.

Drew: You need a new laugh, Granny.

Granny: Aw, but my boyfriend thinks it's amazing!

Drew **gasping**: You mean Gallantmon?

Py **dashes here**: Did someone just say "Gallantmon?" Let's skedaddle, Drew!

Drew: Relax, my grandmother's just talking about him (again).

Py **frowning**: You mean that wrinkly old lady? She's here?

Granny **disapprovingly**: So this is the crowd you've been hanging around, eh, Drew?

Py: Hey, I'm one of his better friends!

Granny: Ai, young 'un, I'm not wrinkly! (Nor old.)

Py: Uh, yes you are. You're old and wrinkly; admit it!

Drew **carefully**: Umm, Py…? You might want to stop saying that to her.

Py: But why?

Drew **casually**: She's still my grandmother; and after all, she saved our butts earlier. Besides, she's not wrinkly.

Granny: Thank you!

Py **gulping**: But-

Granny **glaring**: Go back to work!

* * *

**As always, please read and review!**


	10. Jedediah

**Meet a new cast! And, err, you may wanna beware of slightly mature-ish themes.**

* * *

Chapter X: Jedediah

_On a Hylian Farm_

Farmer **southern accented**: Ah, what a wonderful day to milk my horses!

Farmer's Wife **southern accented**: You don't milk horses, dingbat!

Farmer: Well, you don't have to be so "up-in-the-face" about it!

The farmer's wife socks him in the nose.

_With Py_

Py: Hmm, I sense a disturbance…

Farmer **hidden**: What kind of disturbance?

Py: Eek! Who are you?

Farmer: Why, my name is Jedediah! I'm just hiding from my wife inside this dryer… You don't mind, do you?

Py: Oh, I'm Py… And regardless of why you're in it, get out of the dryer! I still have to finish washing the clothes for the Princess of Destiny so I can leave.

Jedediah **glaring**: So you can leave…? Oh, you must be from Termina, huh? I hate that place.

Py **rudely**: Actually, I'm from a different world altogether, called "Earth;" you wouldn't know it. Don't even try to comprehend, 'cause it'll just hurt your simple brain.

Jedediah **embarrassed**: Well, sorry for causing you any trouble. I'll just go back to face my wife's temper now.

Jed sighs just as Drew enters the room again.

Drew: Hey, Py- Yikes, who's that? (Did you get a new partner…?)

Py: No, I didn't; but meet Jedediah. Anyways, what are you doing here? Waddaya want?

Drew: Well, I finished cleaning the restrooms with the help of Granny (she only needed a little convincing), and now I need some more work.

Py: … You're crazy to be asking for work, you know that? Besides, how did you convince your grandmother? I mean, she's really a bit-

Drew: I just needed to say "Your boyfriend would've wanted you to help me, you know."

Py: You _are_ a rascal.

Jedediah: Well, um, I'll be off now.

Py: Hold on there, Jed, I just thought of a job for you! And you'll be hiding from your wife at the same time…

Jedediah: Oh, jolly good idea! What do I start doing?

Drew: I'll mow the lawn.

Drew suddenly hears Zelda calling for him, and leaves, asking Jed and Py to start the lawnmower for him to save some time.

Jedediah: So, how do ya'll use this newfangled contraption?

Py: Here, I'll show you.

He starts the lawnmower incorrectly, and it explodes, bursting violently into flames.

Py: Don't you say a word to no-one.

Drew: So, how's the lawnmower going? Did you two get it started?

Jedediah: Well, Drew, Py here…

Py gives Jed the evil eye.

Drew: Go on, Jed.

Jedediah: Um, Py thought the lawnmower might be broken.

Py keeps giving Jed the evil eye.

Jedediah: Uh, that is, someone else who used it before us probably did it earlier. _Way_ earlier. You know, when-

Py: You know, Jed, maybe you could do the next chore… like vacuum her huge carpet.

Jedediah: But why can't I do the laundry?

Py: Because it's finished!

Drew: Yeah, Jed… (You finally finished your load, Py?)

Py: Just go already! (No, but don't tell him that.)

Jedediah leaves the place, and Drew and Py converse.

Drew: How are you still not done?

Py: Hey, it takes a long time to look in each pocket to make sure there aren't extra rupees in them! I mean, if you think it's so easy, _you_ can do it!

Drew: Oh, sweet.

Py: No, you won't get to sniff the panties.

_Awkward… No?_

Drew: Aw…

_With Jedediah_

Jedediah: Ooh… So this here's a vacuum, huh? Well, I'll be! I've never seen a cock-a-doodle of that sort before! I flip this here switch to get the contraption to start sucking, right?

Imaginary Drew: Right. Well, you'd better get to work.

The imaginary Drew leaves the room.

Jedediah: Well, alright then! I'll just flip this switch that you-he-she-whatever said… Heehaw! This thing's buckier than a bucking bronco with buck-teeth! Hyuck, hyuck!

Suddenly the vacuum cleaner rears back and Jedediah gets sucked inside magically.

Jedediah: Hello? Hello! Hello?! Well, I'll be a son of a gun! This place is darker than a black bronco with dark teeth! Hyuck, hyuck…

Py suddenly comes near the room with the carpet.

Py **faintly**: There – I'm all done with the laundry!

Jedediah **gullibly**: What? But I thought he finished already… Oh, I guess he must have forgotten a pile.

Jedediah starts screaming for help, but Py does not hear him.

Py: Hmm, what is that weird muffled sound?

He looks around, but sees nothing of interest save the unmanned vacuum cleaner.

Py: They have these things in Hyrule? Well, you learn something everyday… (I wonder where that lazy Jed went off to; no wonder his wife's angry. Eh, I'll go check on Drew.)

Py leaves, and Jedediah grumbles within.

Jedediah: It's so dark and scary… Ugh, I'd rather face my wife now! Hyuck, hyuck!

_Later with Drew_

Drew approaches the vacuum cleaner, completely oblivious to what is going on inside.

Drew: Oh, a vacuum… I guess I should do this job since I'm done with mowing.

Drew turns on the vacuum and begins cleaning everything.

Drew: I wonder how this wasp nest got here… I think I'll clean it up.

Jedediah **muffled**: AAAUUUGH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…! Jeez, make it stop!

Drew: What's that sound? It sounds a lot like Jed…

Jedediah muffled: It _is_ me!

Drew: Huh? Jed?

Jedediah **muffled**: I'm stuck inside this doohickey!

Drew: What, the vacuum cleaner? Oh, so that's why you weren't cleaning the carpet…

Py enters the room, amused at Drew "talking to himself."

Py: Um, Drew? You done with mowing the lawn yet?

Drew: Yeah. Oh, and Jed's stuck inside this vacuum cleaner.

Py: Uh, Drew… Have you been seeing The Outer Limits again?

Drew: Well, maybe. If I knew what it was.

Py: Okay, just stop imagining Jed being inside the vacuum cleaner. Alright?

Drew: Oh, fine.

Jedediah **muffled**: But I am here!

Py **sarcastically**: Ooh, that's funny, Drew. Now get to work.

Jedediah **muffled**: What! I'm stuck inside this infernal contraption! Get me out!

Py **baffled**: Huh… That's some nice mocking of Jed, Drew. But I'm serious, work! Meanwhile, I'll be asking Zelda for another job.

Jedediah **muffled**: And ask the princess to get me out, please! Hyuck, hyuck!

Py **warningly**: Drew-

Drew: It wasn't me!

Py **angrily**: Get to work!

* * *

**That was fun. Onto the next chapter, chaps! Hyuck, hyuck.**


	11. Jobs, Again

**Yep, I got too lazy to really recreate a new title for this chapter.**

**I would also like- nah, love to thank Jane for advertising mine and Drew's story on her profile! It's really sweet of her, and (Jane, if you're listening) you name it, I'll advertise it as well, Jane! _Merci, ma copine._**

* * *

Chapter XI: Jobs, Again

_With Zelda_

Py: Hey Zelda-

Py opens door to Zelda's room and is appalled by what he sees.

Py: Um, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone, how about that?

Py leaves the room, and a startled Link and an annoyed Zelda follow him with their eyes.

Zelda: Hey, we're just-

Link** dialogue boxed**: Umm, Zelda, this does seem pretty… intimate… between us. What with you on top of me, and us being on the ground… Yeah.

Zelda: But I accidentally tripped over you!

Py **faraway**: Sure you did, Zelda, sure you did…

_With Py_

Py: Great, so what do I do now? Hmm, maybe I can steal some rupees from Zelda!

Py hurries back to Drew, and explains to him what happened.

Drew: So let me get this straight: since there are no jobs left (because we have already cleaned the toilets and washed the laundry, not to mention mowed the lawn) except for Jed's, you think the two of us should go steal some Rupees from Zelda. Wherever she keeps them. Even if she has spells to protect them.

Py: You make it sound so ridiculous!

Drew **sarcastically**: Of course it's not ridiculous…

Py: Good; now, let's go! She probably keeps them somewhere secret like…

Drew: Like, in her wallet?

Py: Oh… maybe. But I was thinking more like that flat, leather thing you carry your money in… What's it called again?

Drew: Like, a wallet?

Py: Right, right, there's that… And then there's this _other_ thing… Oh! A wallet!

Drew slaps his face, and Py cries out in pain.

_With Jed_

Jedediah: I know! I'll just use this handy pocketknife that I keep with me everywhere I go to cut myself through this thin fabric!

Jed tries cutting through the vacuum cleaner bag, only to fail.

Jedediah: Oh wait, this isn't a knife… it's a small shoe! Why am I carrying my daughter Claire's shoe? No wonder I couldn't find it this morning … But if this isn't my knife, then where is it? Moreover, why am I still wondering about this when I should be trying to get out of this stupid vacuum cleaner?

_With Drew_

Drew: Hey look, Py, I found this pocketknife in the kitchen!

Py: Yeah, well, there are knives- a _pocket_knife? I wonder who dropped it…

Drew: Yeah, I'll bet he'd want it back.

Py: Say, why were you in the kitchen?

Drew: I was, um… trying to find Zelda's wallet!

Py: Oh? Okay! I searched all over the armory, but I could not find it.

Drew **puzzled**: Why would it be in the armory?

Py **nervously**: Um, err… I dunno. Just believe me when I say I didn't steal anything to hit you with, alright? I mean, what would I do with a morning star anyway?

Drew **suspiciously**: All right… Hey, let's check in that old, damp, stinky closet over there!

Py: Why?

Drew: Because you're claustrophobic.

Py: How did you know that?

Drew: I read your diary.

Py: What?!

Drew: Say, who's this Cheryl person you keep writing about?

Py: Uh… She's my maid… Yeah, that's it! (I hope he buys that.)

Drew: Ew… your maid? You said she's more radiant than the morning sun…

Py: Gah! Give me that! And can't I have a young French maid?

Drew: Yum, this cake is delicious!

Py: Where'd you get that?

Drew: Uh, nowhere in the kitchen I was earlier. Heh…

Py: Okay. Hey, check out this awesome mace!

Py pulls a mace out of nowhere.

Drew: Did you get that from the armory?

Py: Err, nope. I found it… when I was writing in my diary. Yeah, that's right. It was the morning star that I took from the armory.

Py beams, apparently pleased with his lie.

Py: So… you want to go check in Zelda's pool?

Drew: Zelda has a pool?

Py: Yup. Wanna go now?

Drew: Check for what?

Py: For her wallet, duh!

Drew: Ooh, so _that's_ what we were looking for! I saw the thing in the bathroom when I was cleaning it!

Py slaps his own head. Ha ha.

Py: Well, are there any rupees in there?

Drew: How would rupees fit in a leather wallet?

Py: Why hadn't I thought of that…? Darn!

Drew: Now what? Should we actually do our jobs?

Py: Uh, I think Zelda and Link are too busy to assign us new ones…

Drew: Doing what?

Py: Well, you know…

Drew: Oh, you mean preparing for the upcoming ball?

Py: What ball?

As Drew explains that the ball will have royalty from other kingdoms gather in Hyrule for an annual dance and celebration of peace, a devious plan forms in Py's mind.

Drew: Why are you smiling diabolically?

Py: Hehehe… Well, here's my plan-

Drew: _You _have a plan? That's a first! And it doesn't involve the space-time continuum, does it?

Py: Yes, shut up, and no.

Drew: Phew! So, what is this plan?

* * *

**Don't be a Drew; re-voo (review)!**

**^ Yes, I know it sucks as a rhyme... ^**

**;_;**


	12. F for Failure

**W00t, twice in one day! I'm getting bold! And yes, that's a pun.**

**So, yeah. Read on, dawgs.**

* * *

Chapter XII: F for Failure

_That Night, With Zelda_

Zelda hears a knocking sound on the door. She opens it and finds Drew and Py standing.

Py: Hi there, Zelda!

Zelda: Oh, what do you want now?

Drew: We want to get back home.

Zelda: Yeah? Well, it looks like you have not earned enough rupees to go yet, no?

Py: Maybe not, but… Well, it's like this. You know the job you gave me? When-

Drew: Py found your diary and he is going to tell everyone your secret at the upcoming royal ball if you do not get us back home!

There was only silence for a few long seconds while Py and Zelda stared at Drew.

Zelda: Diary?

Drew: Uh, yeah. That is what I said.

Zelda: Gah! You wouldn't dare!

Py: Try him.

Drew: Yeah, try me!

Zelda: No, no, not my- Wait, which secret?

Py: The one about this "Linky-poo" person.

Zelda **shrieking**: Aaahhh!!!

Drew: (I think we just found our ticket home…)

Py: (Ahem, _I _did. Let's not misplace our credits, dear boy. Now, if I only knew who "Linky-poo" was…)

Zelda: You know, I can just use magic to destroy the book!

Py: Yeah? Well, we hid it! You'll never find it… Muahahaha!

Drew: Yup! I mean, you'll never guess we actually put it back where we found-

Py: Shut up!

Zelda: The laundry room? Ha, idiots!

Zelda dashes off to the laundry room. Drew and Py wait until she is out of hearing range until they high-five each other.

Py: Yes! We did it!

Drew: Yeah, I cannot believe it either! Was my acting good?

Py: Perfect, buddy. Now she's really gonna think we hid it in the laundry room… And we can take her rupees!

Drew: Yeah- Wait, I thought we were going to blackmail her with that info.

Py: Well, see, I kinda bluffed about the diary…

Drew **aghast**: What! You mean you did not know if she had a diary? You nincompoop!

Py: Hey, she probably did – Zelda's a girl, after all!

Drew: Half-girl, if you count Sheik! … Great. If she catches us, we are dead.

Zelda: What was that about dying? I'd be happy to oblige.

Py: Ah! Where'd you come from?

Zelda: I just came back – I found it. Ha, what now?

Drew: But-

Py: Okay, you got us this time… but we'll be back! You can count on it, princess.

Drew and Py dash away from Zelda's room and meet back near the vacuum cleaner.

Drew: That was close.

Py: Yeah, I know…

Drew: I thought you said the diary was not real, though? You were lying even to me, your collaborator?

Py: Actually, I really didn't know about the diary.

Drew: So was it coincidence, or did someone save our butts?

Jedediah: I did!

Py: Gah! Where'd you pop up from?

Jedediah: The vacuum cleaner.

Drew: Aha! Therefore, I _wasn't_ crazy!

Jedediah **sweaty**: I finally got out of there. Whew…

Py **ignoring**: Okay, now I've gotta come up with another plan…

Drew: Why not just sell this necklace?

Py: Where'd you find that?

Drew: I stole it from Zelda. I am a master pickpocket!

Py: (More like a master nose picker.) Great! Let's go sell it!

Drew: Yeah, maybe the Gorons will buy it!

Py: Why would they wear girly jewelry?

Drew: They are a bunch of weirdoes, that is why. They buy _everything_.

Py: Good point.

_With Zelda_

Zelda: Gee, I really hope they won't tell everyone at the ball about my secret… But I guess I'll have to kill them now to make sure. I wonder, how should I do that…?

_At Death Mountain_

Drew: Whoa, how did we get here so fast?

Py: Oh, just by using the-

Drew: Yeah, yeah, I know. The space-time continuum portals or something, right?

Py: No, just with the power of italics.

Drew: Ah, okay- Err, what?

Py: What?

Drew: Huh, what?

Py: No, you said "what" first, so I was like, "what?"

Drew: Yeah, well, now I am like "what," so… what?

Py **frustrated**: I dunno, you said "what" first!

Drew **clueless**: What…?

Py: Gah, nevermind.

Drew: Oh, wait; I have it back! Hey, why do we not just use the power of italics to get back home?

In the background, crickets are chirping as Py thinks about the idea.

Py **uncertainly**: Umm… I think that's plain stupid, Drew. I mean, you're talking about abusing the power of italics! You may as well start suggesting we have super powers in this story.

Drew: Well, can't we? We could just consult DigiDrew and PY687, right?

Py: Err, no.

Drew: Why not?

PY687: I concur with Py. Why would we wanna talk to you two?

Py: Yeah, why would-

Drew: But you just did, PY687!

* * *

**There we go, I made a cameo appearance! W00t x2!**


	13. What Now?

**Ugh, I truly must apologize for the lack of updating in any of my stories. It's just that I have Xbox Live Gold until January 27 or so, and I don't wanna squander any of that precious time. Sorry, guys.**

* * *

Chapter XIII: What Now?

PY687 then leaves the scene.

Drew: I am guessing we cannot have superpowers, huh?

Py: Maybe not, but at least I swiped his car keys. We might still be able to bargain with him.

Drew: Wait, he can drive?

Py: Oh, err… I don't think so.

Drew: Then whose keys are those?

_In Hyrule Castle_

Jedediah: Hey! Where are my car keys?

_With Link_

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ah… this is the life. Fishing in the middle of nowhere – if only life could always be this relaxing!

Py: Hey, Link.

Link **dialogue boxed, grumbling**: (Not those two again…) What do you want now? Why haven't you two earned enough rupees yet?

Py: Oh, we're planning to maybe stay here.

Link **dialogue boxed**: What! No!!!

Drew: Yeah, well, even if we wanted to, Zelda wouldn't let us go back home… You know how mean she is.

Link **dialogue boxed**: She and I have our arguments and revenges, but Zelda's gone too far this time! C'mon, I'll take you to have a talk with her!

Py: All right, Link, for all the good you think it'll do. (He fell for our lie, Drew!)

Link calls for Epona, but Drew interjects before Link gets on her.

Drew: Uh, Link, we have a faster method of traveling than Epona…

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh really?

_Zelda's Room_

Link, Drew, and Py suddenly find themselves outside Zelda's room.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Wow. You guys are good.

Drew: Yes, we know.

Py: Now, are you gonna go talk to Zelda or what?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Um, yeah, I'm ready.

Py: Good! Go get her, tiger!

Py pushes Link into the room.

Drew: He's so dead.

Py: Poor fella.

Drew: At least we were able to play this prank on him before Link reveals the truth and we die.

_Hours Later_

Link walks out of the room, dazed. His hair and clothes are messed, and he seems to be inattentive.

Py: Hey Link, how'd the talk go?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Err… Hehehe…

Drew: Uh oh. That's not a good sign.

Py: Why did the discussion take so long, huh?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh, we had some initial things to take care of… And we kinda never got to talking about you guys.

Drew: What! Then what happened in there?

Link says nothing, but walks away dizzily.

Py: Umm, do you think he and Zelda…

Drew: Yeah… what?

Py **suggestively**: You know… Do…

Drew: … What?

Py: It.

Drew **confused**: It?

Py: Yeah, it. You know?

Drew: No.

Py: You know… IT.

Drew: "It…"

Drew gasps as he realizes what Py is suggesting.

Drew: You mean they… they did…!

Py: Yeah.

Drew: But what would they argue about?

Py: Wait, what are you talking about now?

Drew: You said they got angry and fought with each other.

Py: No… I said "it."

Drew: Yeah; that's what you meant, right?

Py **sighing**: Whatever. Since I'm clearly not getting through to you, let's go in and…

Drew: Sing?

Py: Sing?!

Drew: Yeah, I was thinking we could turn this into a musical. We could call it "Hyrule Musical!" Don't you think it is original?

Py: That's stupid.

Drew: I've got a sandwich on my mind…

Py: Um… I think you mean, "I've got to say what's on my mind…"

Drew: No, I am just hungry.

Py: Hungry? How can you possibly be hungry at this time? We've to go in and-

Drew: Sing?

Py: Sing?!

Drew: Yeah, I was thinking- whoa. Déjà vu…

Py: Yeah, tell me about it. Anyway, we've got to go in and-

Drew: Sing?

Py: Sing?! … Oh, not this again!

Drew: But you never said no.

Py: Fine. We'll sing. Once.

Drew: Yay! What are we going to sing?

Py: Umm…

Drew: You do not know any good songs, huh?

Py: I never said that! (Does the SpongeBob theme song count?)

Drew: Whatever. Let's just go inside. (And no, it does not.)

* * *

**Don't leave yet, there's second chapter of the day coming right up!**


	14. Whatever

**Sorry for the absence of a proper title, but my creativity's running a tad low lately. Been playing Halo 3. :3**

**(If you want to play me, my Gamertag is "PY687." Duh!)**

* * *

Chapter XIV: Whatever

_Zelda's Room_

Py: Hey Zelda, we got a-

Drew: Where did she go?

Py: I have no idea…

A loud sound is suddenly heard, and Jedediah breaks through the castle walls with his car.

Jed: Hey guys, can you hear me?

Py: Did you hear something?

Drew: Yeah, it sounded like someone called us from the level below.

Py: Oh, great… Sounds like Jed. Let's skedaddle!

_With Zelda_

Zelda: Let's see: Plan A will allow me to trap Drew here and have him drown while I strangle Py… but Plan B will have them both spiked from these stalactites from the ceiling… Oh, which one should I use? Hmm, maybe I can do Plan C…

Suddenly, light shows in the dark room.

Py: Hey Drew, it looks like I found a secret plotting room!

Drew: Really? It looks like scheming to me.

Py: Err, no. I know plotting when I see it.

Drew: Oh. Hey, what is that strange shadow in there- it moved!

Py: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Drew: No, really! I think it is Zelda… but it looks like she is doing something to herself…!

Py **suggestively**: Ooh! Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Drew: … You are crazy.

Py: Hey, can I help it if I like Red versus Blue?

Drew: Maybe she's trying to draw a knife from there.

Py: Concealed in that spot? I don't think so.

Zelda: Gah! What are you two doing here?

Drew: Um… What are you doing in here?

Zelda: I was just… straightening my dress in my secret plotting room! That's all!

Py: Right… (Told you so!)

Zelda: Don't make me kill you.

Drew: BUUURN!!! (Who cares?)

Py: I thought you were on my side!

Zelda: Heh, looks like he's smarter than you!

Drew: BUUURN!!!

Py: Quit your burning!

Drew: No, really! Something's burning! It's Zelda's dress!

Py: Eek, fire!

Py screams his head off and runs away.

Drew: Uh, Py? You dropped your head.

Ha.

Py **on ground**: Grr, stupid underlines!

Py's body tries picking his head up and stumbles.

Py **on ground**: What the- No I don't!

Zelda: That's gross!

Drew: Shouldn't you put that fire out?

Zelda: I'm only practicing my magic.

Drew: I thought you said you were straightening your dress…?

Zelda: Err, yeah… Well, I was doing both.

The headless Py comes back with a bucket of water in his hands. He sprays the water all over Zelda.

Py **on ground**: Zelda: stop, drop and roll!

Zelda: I thought you hated me; why are you saving me unnecessarily?

Py** on ground**: 'Cause Drew and I need you to get us home.

**The headless Py picks his head back up from the ground and screws it back atop the body.**

Jed scared: Scarred for life, scarred for life…!

Py: What scar? I don't see any scars! I thought I made sure to miraculously grow my skin back together without any gaps!

Drew: And how did you get up here?

Jedediah: The italics brought me here.

Py **grumbling**: Curse those italics.

**We heard that!**

Drew **hushed**: Shh! Do not anger the almighty italics.

Py: I'll anger the italics if I want to!

_Do you want to?_

Py: Yes.

_Fine. _

_In Death Mountain Mines_

Py: Gah! Why'd you bring me here?

We want to watch you burn to death.

Py: Ooh, that's morbid. And I have armor…

Perhaps. Would you rather us take you to Ganondorf?

Py: I thought he was dead.

He always comes back. He's a nuisance that way…

* * *

**I am having finals next week, so probably not much from me until after Valentine's Day.**

**Btw, my friend's birthday is today, and mine's coming up in thirteen more days!**


	15. Technical Difficulties

**Here's another one recently edited by yours truly! And yeah, I _should_ be studying for finals next week, but I figured that, since I barely have homework today, I would start clearing up my email messages and just copy/paste/edit all that crap onto my Word document files and post them on here. Enjoy, guys and gals!**

* * *

Chapter XV: Technical Difficulties

Py: Well, that's not fair!

_Why not?_

Py: The good guys always die for good…

_Suddenly Py hears a beep._

Py: Euh? Pourquoi est-ce que je parle français?

_Je __regrette, mais je ne comprends pas._

Py: Gah, changez la langue maintenant!

_Je ne peux pas. Les auteurs devront le faire._

Py écoute une beep.

Py: Oh my- Whoa, when did the language change back?

_Just now._

Py: Okay, DigiDrew, if you think this is a funny-

DigiDrew: It is.

PY687: Hey, I came up with this idea! Don't let him take the credit!

Drew: Salut, Py!

Py: Oh, not you too!

Drew: Pourquoi? Le français est une langue impressionnante!

Py: Shut up.

Hey, don't forget about me…

Ganondorf: And me.

Py: Oh, don't even get me started on you two.

Link **dialogue boxed**: What about me?

Py: Oh my God, how did you four even get here?

Jedediah: With the power of italics.

Py: I hate italics…

_We hate you too!_

Py: I hate you more.

_Well… We hate you more than you hate us… more!_

Drew: BUUURN!

Jedediah: Not this again…

Link **dialogue boxed**: What's with the burning?

Drew: We are in the Goron mines, remember? Everything is burning!

Py: Oh, right… We should get outta here.

_Yeah, well, not if I don't let you guys go!_

Py: We will see about that!

Drew: Yeah! Let's pile in Jed's car! (I wonder how he got his keys back, by the way…)

Jedediah: Okay.

_Elsewhere in Death Mountain_

Drew: Hey, where did everyone go?

You've all been separated by me! Muahahaha!

Drew **sadly**: Now where are we going to find obeying italics for our story?

_Elsewhere in Death Mountain_

Py: Oh man, did you separate us?

_Yes._

Py: And you just had to leave Jed with me, didn't you?

Jedediah: No! where did my car go? My beautiful Cadillac!

Zelda: What's a Cadillac?

Py: Gah, when did you get here?

Zelda: Just now. Darn italics, huh?

Py: Aw, give someone bad to Drew!

_He's with Link and Ganondorf._

_With Drew_

Drew: No! I am with you idiots?!

Link** dialogue boxed**: Hey, I'm no idiot!

Ganondorf: Could've fooled me.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Don't you _dare _start with me!

Drew: Um, guys, could you stop arguing for a second? I am trying to find a way out of here.

Ganondorf: Oh, so you were going to ditch us, huh?

Drew: What? No, I-

Ganondorf: Let's get him, Link!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Yeah, let's beat him up!

_With Py_

Py: So… Do you guys know what section of the mines we're in?

Jedediah: My guess is… we're near the mines' mini-boss.

Zelda: How do you know that?

Jedediah: Please, I've played this game a million times!

Py: No offense, but… you're a farmer. How'd you afford a Nintendo Wii?

Jedediah: I bought the Gamecube and that version of _Twilight Princess_, of course!

Py: Oh. And how'd you buy that?

Jedediah: Err, with money?

Py: There aren't even Gamecubes in Hyrule!

Jedediah: Uhh…So?

Py: Ah ha! You're supposedly Jed, but I know your secret identity now! It's-

Jedediah slaps Py in the face and starts running towards the mini-boss room.

Py: Argh, after him!

_With Drew_

Drew: Ow! Hey, why are you guys teamed up?

Ganondorf: Because we're uniting against a common enemy!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Right! And afterwards, we'll betray each other!

Drew: Ow! Jeez, quit it. I didn't mean- ow! Oh, I bet Py doesn't have to put up with this…

_With Py_

Py: Shi-

Zelda: No bad words! It's a teen game/story.

Py: Cr-

Zelda: I said no bad words!

Py: Darn.

Zelda: That's better.

Jedediah: Are you going to stand there and talk or fight?

Py: What? You're not doing anything either! You're just waiting for that huge Goron to kill us and then take our stuff!

Jedediah: So?

Py: Well, that won't work, Director! (Will it, Zelda?)

Zelda: (Probably will, actually.)

Jedediah **stunned**: Uhh, who's the Director?

Py: Oh, um, I mean Blitz Shenanigan!

Jedediah: Who's that?

Py: Oh darn. My theory's been blown to pieces.

Jedediah: Now, face the wrath of the Goron!

Py draws his sword, afraid of dying.

Py: Hey Zelda, you know some magic, don't you?

Zelda: Yes, but I'm only going to save myself.

Py: Ooh, why you loser! I bet Drew doesn't have to put up with this…

_With Drew_

Drew: Okay, I think I lost them… Now to go find Py and leave!

_Not so fast!_

Drew: Please tell me they aren't the italics…

_With Py_

Zelda **smirking**: Ah, well, good luck with the Goron!

Zelda teleports away in a flurry of smoke and magic, making a "poof" sound (of course).

Py: Great… Just great…

Big Ugly Goron (B.U.G.): Ha! Hello there, brother! As is customary, I must beat you to a pulp before you proceed onward through the mines!

Py: Umm… Don't you have any nicer customs? Like giving your guest lots of money so he can get back home?

BUG: Uh… no. That's the custom of the Twilight creatures.

Py: Really? They give people money?

BUG: Have you ever bothered asking one for money?

Py: Err… no.

BUG: Aha! See?

Jedediah: Can't you guys just fight already?

_With Drew_

Drew: Can we just talk this over?

_No._

Drew: But I didn't do anything to you! It was all Py's fault!

_You're right. C'mon, boys, let's go beat Py up!_

Drew: Wait, take me with you!

_Why?_

Drew: Uh… because I want to beat Py up too?

_Okay, sure. Hop aboard._

Drew: (Hehe… suckers.)

* * *

**From now on, I'll try limiting my A/N's, for easier reading and time-saving purposes. :3**


	16. Randomness Ensues

**This one has more words than my more other recent chapters. :P**

* * *

Chapter XVI: Randomness Ensues

_With Py_

Py: I can't believe I'm actually surviving!

Jedediah: BUG, hurry and kill him!

BUG: But I'm trying as hard as I can!

Jedediah: Try harder! I command you as your Princess of Destiny!

Py: … Wait, what?

Jedediah: Uh oh…

_Py turns around, draws his bow and arrows, and shoots at Jedediah… missing horribly._

Py: Uh, err, I meant to do that. It was only a warning shot!

Jedediah **exasperatedly**: Okay, okay, I'll explain!

Py: You'd better!

Suddenly, Drew drops in out of thin air and tackles Py.

Drew: Are you crazy? That is Jed, Py! I know you do not like him, but-

Py: No he's not! That's Zelda!

Drew: What are you talking about, crazy person?

Jedediah peels off his mask and reveals himself to be Zelda.

Drew: Whoa. Jed was really Zelda?

Py: Does that mean you were stuck in the vacuum cleaner?

Drew: Ah ha! You admit it _now_, huh, Py?

Zelda: What vacuum? No, I mean I only disguised myself right now, once the italics helped me separate our group. The real Jed is still where we originally appeared.

_With Jedediah_

Jedediah: Uh, guys? Where'd you go? This isn't funny, you know!

Link and Ganondorf suddenly fall through a door in the area.

Ganondorf: Where'd that loser go?

Link** dialogue boxed**: The italics took him, moron!

Jedediah: Now, now, guys, let's be nice to each other. No need for everyone to throw words like that around.

Link and Ganondorf turn to stare at Jedediah.

Jedediah **nervously**: Uh, guys? Maybe you could stop doing that… It's making me really uncomfortable. Please?

_With Drew_

Drew: Why are you doing this?

Zelda: Because you two read my diary!

Drew: …Wow. Nice going, buddy.

Py: Hey, this isn't my fault!

Drew **sarcastically**: Right…

BUG: Uh… I'm confused, brothers. You mean to tell me that Jed is a girl?

Py: No! He was Zelda in disguise!

BUG: Jed _is_ Zelda? No!!!

Drew: No, Zelda was pretending to be Jed!

BUG: You mean to tell me that Jed never existed? No!!!

Zelda: No, no, no, you big buffoon! Jed is somewhere else!

BUG **sniffling**: Y-you called me… a buffoon! Your own brother! Your own flesh and blood!

Zelda: Ugh. I'm not related to you!

BUG: What?! You _lied _to me? YOU WILL PAY!

Drew: This is working out to our advantage.

Py: Yeah, let's go!

Drew: Aw, I wanted to see BUG beat Zelda up!

_With Jedediah_

Ganondorf: All right, we've gagged Jed and put him into a barrel… Now what?

Link **dialogue boxed**: I say we roll him into the lava!

Ganondorf: Ooh, that's a brilliant idea! You know, we should work together some time.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Nah, I prefer killing you numerous times… It's my hobby.

Jed **muffled**: Mmph!

Drew: Hey guys, what are you doing?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Killing you after we kill Jed.

Ganondorf: Not exactly kill; more like torture.

Drew: I think I'll hate to ask this, but… how?

Link** dialogue boxed**: We'll just roll Jed into the lava…

Ganondorf: See, this barrel is really strong.

Py: Go on, go on.

Ganondorf: And then we'll do the same to Drew.

Py: Let's get started.

Drew: Hello? Have you forgotten we need to get back home, Py?

Py: Oh, we can get back to that later. It's not like anything can save Zelda from BUG's wrath… We- no, _I_ will have plenty of time to get back.

Drew: You realize we can't get back if Zelda is dead.

Ganondorf: Who's BUG? I might want to hire him sometime!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Zelda's in trouble? I must save her!

Link dashes off in the direction Drew and Py came from.

Drew: Great. Now Link is going to help Zelda…

Ganondorf: Well, I should be going, too. I've gotta stop Link from doing that!

Ganondorf follows Link.

Py **sarcastically**: Perfect. Now who's gonna help me roll you and Jed into the lava?

Jedediah **muffled**: I will, if you let me out!

Py: Huh? Who said that?

Drew: It must be Carlos the Talking Barrel!

Py: Err, Carlos?

Drew: Yeah! Do you not remember Carlos? You know, the guy from that place… who did that thing?

Py: Ooh, him!

Jedediah **muffled**: Umm… guys… You sound like girls… (Not to sound sexist or nothing, of course.)

Drew: Quiet, Carlos, I am trying to convince Py not to roll me into the lava! (Ooh… I'm going to tell Zelda…)

Py: Yeah, be quiet! (Hehe… Forget Zelda… I'm gonna tell Ilia! Hehe…)

Jedediah **muffled**: Great…

_With Link_

Link **dialogue boxed**: Don't worry, Zelda! Your boyfriend has come to rescue you!

Ganondorf: Aha! So you admit it!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Uh, err… no! I meant your boyfriend, Carlos the Talking Barrel, has come to rescue you!

Zelda: Who in the world is Carlos?

Link **dialogue boxed**: You know, the guy from that place… who did that thing?

Zelda **sobbing**: Does this mean you're breaking up with me?

Ganondorf: Busted!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Gah, shut up!

BUG: Pay attention to me, guys!

_With Drew and Py_

Py: Look, don't you think it'd be fun if we rolled Jed into the lava?

Drew: Yeah.

Py: And then I'll stuff you in the barrel once Jed is melted, and roll you into the lava.

Drew: Err, umm… Rolling Carlos into the lava twice would hurt him, so… no.

Jedediah **muffled**: How about we don't roll anyone into the lava!

Py: What was that, Carlos? I couldn't hear you properly, it sounded like something was muffling your voice.

Drew: It was nothing.

Jedediah **muffled**: _What_? It absolutely _is_ something! You two are about to kill me!

Py: Yeah, so? You're just a barrel.

Jedediah slaps himself in the face hard.

_With Ganondorf_

Ganondorf: Hey, Zelda, now that you and this loser are history… You wanna go out with me?

Zelda **teary**: Shut up, Ugly! Can't you see I'm trying to have a dramatic moment!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Harsh…

Zelda** amid torrents of salty waterfalls**: You too, stupid elf-person!

Ganondorf: Harsher…

Zelda **drowning in furious tsunamis of salty, sorrowful tears that make the waves of oceans appear to be little ripples in a puddle of mud**: I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU BOTH!

* * *

**Drew kinda went overboard with that last description of Zelda's sorrow, huh?**


	17. Now What?

**Here we go again...**

* * *

Chapter XVII: Now What?

Ganondorf: Harsh.

Link **dialogue boxed**: That means you too, idiot.

Ganondorf: Harsh- oh. Darn.

Link** dialogue boxed**: I guess this means we're teamed with those two other fools against Zelda for now…

Ganondorf: And that farmer; what was his name again? Dread?

Link **dialogue boxed**: I think it was Jid.

_With Drew and Py_

Jed **muffled**: Look guys, I have a feeling there's about to be a big fight somewhere!

Py: How do you know that?

Drew: How do you know anything? You are a barrel!

Jed **muffled**: Just shut up and roll me back to Zelda! (Besides, I'm _Carlos_, right?)

Py: Fine. (Sheesh, why did we get the barrel with the attitude?!)

Drew: Oh, all right. (Because DigiDrew and PY687 are idiots!)

_With Link_

Ganondorf: Bartholomew? Rodriguez?

Link** dialogue boxed**: Pablo? Leslie?

Ganondorf: Leslie?

Link **dialogue boxed**: … Yes.

Zelda: NOW YOU WILL PAY!

Drew, Py, and Jed reach the scene (just in time).

Drew: Hi, Zelda!

Py: Why are you talking to her? She's angry with us, remember?

Drew: Oh, right. Err, pretend I did not say "hi" to you, Zelda!

BUG: How come everyone's forgotten about me?

The other six turn their heads around.

Zelda **quizzically**: Who are you?

BUG: I'm… Umm… great. Now _I_'ve forgotten about me!

_You're BUG. _

BUG: Oh, thanks, Italics.

_You're welcome._

BUG: I thought you said I was "BUG!"

_We did. _

B.U.G.: Oh… Then do you think I could change my name to something more… sophisticated? Like I.N.S.E.C.T.?

Ganondorf **inquiringly**: What would that stand for?

Drew: Uh… Intelligent Norwegians Slowly Eat Cow Toes?

Py: No, no, no! It would be… I Need Spicy Elephant Curry Tusks.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Why are you guys arguing over that?

Ganondorf: Aw, don't mind him. He is just a party pooper.

Link **dialogue boxed**: I'm a what?

Ganondorf: You know… a spoilsport.

Link **dialogue boxed**: I don't play any sports.

Ganondorf: No, you dumb-

Zelda: Hey, no bad words!

Ganondorf: But it's rated teen!

Zelda: So what? We should keep our dam- err, _bad_ foul language out of this!

Ganondorf: But you just almost swore yourself!

Drew: It doesn't matter: she is the Princess of Destiny!

Ganondorf: And I'm Helga, remember?

BUG: And I'm I.N.S.E.C.T.!

Py: Hey, can we just get this started already?

Drew: Yeah, I'm tired of all these useless conversations!

Ganondorf: But without useless conversations, your stories would be…

Link **dialogue boxed**: One syllable long.

Drew: Right…

Py: I feel really bad now…

BUG: And I feel hungry. Anybody got any snacks?

Zelda **confused**: I thought we were fighting.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh, not right now! It _is_ lunchtime, after all.

Ganondorf: Yes, we can take a break. I'm famished!

Zelda: But I want to fight!

Py: Later, Zelda, later.

Drew: I call dibs on the waffles!

Py: No one has any waffles.

Drew: You're making them.

Py: What?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh yeah, those are pretty good.

Ganondorf: You're a natural-born chef, Py!

Py proud: Well, if you put it that way… Yes, I suppose I should make waffles for everyone!

Py walks away happily, preparing the waffles.

Ganondorf: Okay, so now that we've tricked Py into making them with flattery, what do we do?

Drew: We should invite some friends over.

BUG: How about Helga II? And Ned?

Jedediah: What's that amulet doing on the ground?

Drew: Why do these things keeping popping up? This makes the third one…

Drew picks up the amulet and puts it away into one of his invisible pockets. 

Drew: Okay, so who do we call first? Helga II or Ned?

Link **dialogue boxed**, Jedediah, Ganondorf: Helga II!

Zelda, BUG: Ned!

Link **dialogue boxed**, Jedediah, Ganondorf: Helga II!!!

Zelda, BUG: Ned!!!

Link **dialogue boxed**, Jedediah, Ganondorf: HELGA II!!!

Zelda, BUG: NED!!!

Drew: Drew.

Link dialogue boxed, Jedediah, Ganondorf, Zelda, and B.U.G.: But… you're already here.

Drew: I am? Oh.

Ned: Well, maybe we should get Helga II here.

Helga II: Yeah, I agree.

Zelda, BUG: No, we want you here first, Ned!

Link **dialogue boxed**, Jedediah, Ganondorf: Helga II should get here first!

Helga II: No, really, I don't mind if Ned gets here first.

Ned: Thanks, but I think you should arrive before me.

Zelda, BUG: Yeah, see? Even Helga II agrees with us!

Link **dialogue boxed**, Jedediah, Ganondorf: Helga II! I can't believe you would side with them!

Helga II: Sorry, but I'm just being polite. Besides, why are you guys fighting over whom to invite over?

Silence booms loudly for a few seconds (ha ha, an oxymoron).

Ned: And it doesn't matter, 'cause we are here already.

Ganondorf **thinking**: Err… you're right, it doesn't matter.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Why do you sound hesitant conceding, Ganondorf…?

Silence reigns supreme once again while everyone thinks (ha ha, such idiots).

Zelda: Oh, it's because Ned _did_ get here first!

Jedediah: Aw, that's unfair.

Ned: Come on, guys, give it a rest!

Link **dialogue boxed**: No, we will not! Helga II, we will fight for your loss!

Helga II: This is what you and Py have to take care of every day, huh?

Drew: Actually, it's usually us that do that.

_One Hour Later_

Both sides have built forts between each other out of snow.

Drew: But it is not snowing! And we are in the Goron mines…

Shut it, Drew. Anyway, they are throwing snowballs at each other when Py comes back.

Py: Waffles, everyone!

Jedediah: We'll fight y'all for the waffles!

Zelda: It's on! FIRE!

Zelda throws a snowball and hits Py smack in the face. 

Ganondorf: The first shot has been thrown! Return fire!

BUG: Eat this, Mute!

BUG hurls a snowball and misses Link terribly. The snowball hits Py.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Mute? Oh, that is _it_!

_Link tosses a snowball, which also hits Py._

Drew cowardly: Err, guys… Don't hit the waffles.

Py: Gah! Stop hitting me!

Py throws a snowball at Zelda and misses. The snowball hits Py.

Py: What the…?

A snowball hits Py.

Py: Where'd that come from?

Another snowball slugs Py in the face.

Drew: The underlines.

Ganondorf **idiotically**: What's next? Are the bolds going to rebel too?

Link: No, of course not! Or except maybe for you.

Zelda **dialogue boxed**: But, Link… you can speak! … And now _I_ can't.

Ganondorf **lulz**: OMG evry1 is go'n ensane!!!11!!1!!!1

Py: (We might have a problem.)

The italics laugh as every punctuation mark rebels.

_Ha_!

_**Now, face the wrath of-**_

The screen darkens and a loud voice booms out from everywhere.

PY687: Yeah, so, uh… sorry about that. We're currently having some technical issues regarding certain casts or staff, so sorry for the interruption for now. In other words… "brb!"

* * *

**I'll try to edit the next chapter soon, but if I don't get it done by this weekend, don't expect it to come up anytime soon.**


	18. Chaos Ensues

**This one has a lot of references to past _Remedies for the Ill_s, and is mostly irrelevant to the story's main plot (or lack thereof), so skip if you really want to. The next chapter will come soon.**

* * *

Chapter XVIII: Chaos Ensues

_Hours Later Meeting_

PY687: Okay, so who's been messing with the punctuation marks and turning on 1337 mode?

The director hums innocently.

DigiDrew: I bet I know who it is…

PY687: I have a pretty good guess, too.

DigiDrew: Ha, don't play dumb…

Director: But-

DigiDrew: … PY687!

PY687: Wait… me?

Director: What, him? Umm, I mean: oh yeah, it was him! That's _exactly_ what I was thinking of!

PY687: How can you say that, DigiDrew? I thought we were friends!

DigiDrew: We were… until you messed with those marks!

PY687 **grumbles**: Okay, you caught me.

DigiDrew: Any last words before we expel you from the staff?

PY687: Yes; get a better director for our show! I paid this one a lot of money to pretend he was the culprit and then he can get fired, but he sucks!

Director: You call me a "sucks?"

DigiDrew: … Okay, he's fired. (And you could have just fired him since you were the co-boss.)

PY687: Yup.

Director: You call me a "fired?"

DigiDrew: Who should we hire for our next director?

Random N00b **pops up (behind DigiDrew)**: Ooh, pick me!

PY687: How about Shakespeare?

DigiDrew: He's dead.

Random N00b **pops up (behind PY687)**: Please, pick me!

PY687: He is? Darn. How about George Washington?

DigiDrew: Dead. And he was a general, not a writer.

Random N00b **pops up (behind Director)**: Pick me, I'll do anything!

PY687: Uh… Michael Jackson?

DigiDrew: Alive, but really weird.

PY687: Well, how about me?

DigiDrew: What do you mean? You'\'re one of the staff!

Random N00b **pops up (behind PY687)**: Pick me, pick me!

PY687: Ah, but I just got fired.

DigiDrew: We can't fire you! You're one of the people who made this!

PY687: Well, it's already been done (by you, so aren't you contradicting yourself?), so you'll have to give complaints to the new director… who would be me.

DigiDrew: This can't be good…

PY687: See, my plan worked after all. I knew you would never let me be the director, so I had to have myself get fired and then hired back!

DigiDrew: But I already said you can't get fired!

PY687: You were the one who said I was "expelled" from the staff, though.

DigiDrew: Aha! See, you _weren't _fired, just off our staff.

PY687: Well then… I was promoted.

DigiDrew sighs defeated.

Random N00b **pops up (before DigiDrew)**: Pick me, I can fill in!

DigiDrew: Gah! Security, call the exterminator! We have a n00b infestation!

DigiDrew pulls out N00b Spray 2000TM and uses it on the n00b in front of him.

Random N00b: My eyes! Oh, oh, it hurts! Owowowowow! You'll pay for this; expect a call from my lawyer sometime soon!

DigiDrew: Alright, Director PY687… What should we do now?

PY687: Let's get on with the story, of course!

_With the Cast_

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ah, my dialogue boxes… that's much better. Now, what were we doing?

Drew: Well, you, Ganondorf, and Jed were having a snowball fight against Zelda and BUG… and then Ned and Helga II came and Py was getting hit with snowballs and whatnot… I, meanwhile, was busy being extremely good-looking… And yeah, that's about it.

Zelda: I see.

Py: Uh-huh. I remember now! (Except for the "good-looking" part. That sounded new and made-up to me.)

Zelda: I think Drew's still doing a good job of that…

Everyone looks at her, with Link dropping his jaws.

Zelda: Did I just saw that aloud?

Drew: Uh, yeah. You did.

PY687: Whoa, whoa, hold up! Zelda, what are you doing? That's not in the script!

Zelda: Hey, it was an accident!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Zelda-

DigiDrew **interrupting**: Let's just reshoot.

_Later_

Link** dialogue boxed**: Zelda, what was that?

Drew: Huh? Link, that's not your line!

Zelda: Wait, I'm confused… Is this part further down? I don't see it on this paper…

Link **dialogue boxed**: Zelda, look at me; do you really think Drew looks better than me?

Py: Ugh, I knew he wouldn't let that go…

Zelda: Umm… yes?

Link howls in anguish and runs off maniacally.

Ganondorf: Hey, that's my job!

Ganondorf joins Link after transforming into Ganon, his boar form.

Drew: So, Zelda… Hi there. Did I ever tell you that-

Py: Drew, what are you doing? Hitting on her?!

Drew: … Nothing. I am definitely not doing anything… (Hey, Zelda, I'll tell you later when Py's not around…)

Py: Oh, okay. (I heard that. I'm not going to leave.)

Drew: Yup. I'm not trying to proclaim my love for anyone or anything…

Helga II: Drew! You really _do_ love me!

Helga II runs up and hugs Drew. 

Drew: Ow, ow, ow!

Zelda: Unhand my Midna-thing!

Helga II: _Your _Midna-thing?!

A terrible slap fight ensues.

Py **annoyed, jealous, whining**: There's plenty of me to go around... Don't fight over me.

Drew **happy**: It's okay, Py! One day you'll have fan girls like me!

Py **groaning**: Ah, shut it, Drew.

Drew: But at least we got rid of the Mute and Dumbo!

Py: ... Who's "Dumbo?"

Drew: Oh, that's Jed.

Jedediah **annoyed**: I'm still here, Drew.

Drew: Oh, whoops. I meant Helga.

Py: You know, Drew, sometimes I wonder why you're so stupid.

Drew: Well, it could be that PY687's the director now, so...

PY687: Whoa, whoa, cut! Who put in that line?

DigiDrew chuckles in the background.

PY687: See, I've tolerated this improvisation for a while now, but we really need to get back to our schedule. Time's a-wasting, people; chop chop!

DigiDrew: Well, it's true that you do stupid stuff.

PY687 **angrily**: What did you just say?

DigiDrew and PY687 get into a fight, while Helga II and Zelda continue fighting.

Py **sighing**: Someone go get Midna...

Drew: Oh, you don't think _I_ can use magic to separate them now, do you?

Py: It's not that, but... Well, actually, yes it is.

Drew: Why you little-

Drew and Py get into a fight also. Ganon and Link get back about now.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Why are they fighting?

Ganon: Who knows? Let's join!

Ganon transforms back into his biped form and tackles Link. The two engage in an epic duel.

Random N00b: And this is the part where I come in!

Jedediah: Oh, no you don't!

Jedediah and the n00b both get into a fight. Chaos ensues.

Smith: Oh, my. It appears we're in a bit of a sticky-wicket…

Suddenly, a rich, mustached gentleman walks in and sees the chaos. All of the combatants halt and stare at the newcomer.

Smith: You know, it's not very nice to stare, chaps. Smith! Would you come here, please?

Smith 2: My word! What the deuce has happened in this vicinity?!

Smith 3: I don't know, Mr. Smith. Oh, my! Smithy, is that you?

Bartholomew Oswald Oakens, The Intellectual Einstein (we shall refer to him as " BOOTIE") enters the scene.

BOOTIE: No, we shall not! I refuse to stand here and be compared to a posterior!

Drew: Well, then you can be like Ganondorf. His rear is on his face.

Ganondorf: I heard that!

Chaos ensues once again.

Count Drew: Quiet!

Everyone stops fighting again.

Drew: Why are all the previous cast (and newbies) coming here...?

Pygor: Don't talk about my marthter that way! Thame on you!

Py: It's the lispy Frankenstein again!

Pygot: Gah, don't compare me to that horrid monthter! Frankenthtein ith nothing more than a brainleth idiot, while I am a thtate-of-the-art monthter.

Count Drew: Which I assembled!

Smith 1: Are we just going to stand there, or are we going to fight?

Smith 2 punches Smith 3, and chaos ensues again.

Omnimon (who happens to be a chicken in the Zelda universe): Hahahaha!!! I am Omnimon! Fear me! I will finally have my revenge on Drew! Muahahahaha!!!

Everyone stops and stares at Drew's old enemy.

Omnimon: What?

Drew: Dude, what happened?

Omnimon: What do you mean, mortal?

Py: You're a chicken.

Omnimon: I am not! (I'm a rooster....it's different...)

Zelda: No, it's not.

Smith 2: I daresay it is, old chap.

Zelda: Who are you calling "old"?!

Zelda attacks Smith 2, and the fighting ensues once again.

Omnimon: This is getting retarded.

Drew: Ah ah ah, there's no need to go throwing around words like that around here!

Py: Gah, shut up and fight!

Link **dialogue boxed**: No, Omnimon has a point! I mean, how did this even get started?

Py: When my alter ego became the director.

Drew: I thought you were PY687's alter ego!

Py: Nope, it's the other way around.

Link **dialogue boxed**: Regardless, don't you think we should get him to stop having us do this nonsense?

Ganondorf: Bah, you're just saying that because you're losing!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Oh, is that so, foul fiend? Take this!

Link lunges for Ganondorf, his Master Sword extended out entirely, but misses as Ganondorf jumps aside in the nick of time.

Py: That's not exactly being a good role model for your own words, Link… You asked why we were fighting, yet you're doing it as well.

Link **dialogue boxed**: He asked for it!

Drew: Yeah, Link. I thought you were supposed to be the hero.

Link **dialogue boxed**: I am being the hero! I'm beating up the bad-guy!

Py: And what has the "bad-guy" ever done to deserve that?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, he's...tried to take over Hyrule a few times...

Py: Has it worked?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Well, no.

Drew: Then I wouldn't call him a bad-guy.

Ganondorf: What?! I AM a bad-guy!

Ganondorf starts sobbing uncontrollably. 

Ganondorf: B-but...I-I...am...evil! Waaahh!!!!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Huh. I never thought I'd just have to say that he _phails_ at life to get him to cry. What a baby. *lol*

Drew: Link, you can't talk, so I wouldn't be laughing.

Link **dialogue boxed**: I'm not laughing. *lol*

Py: What do you think "lol" means?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Lagers or luscious.

Py: ... What?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Lagers or luscious!

Drew: Umm, don't you mean "are" instead of "or?" And among other errors…

Link **dialogue boxed**: No, of course not! That would be "lal!" *lol*

Py: Uh, yeah, where'd you go to school?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Any self-respecting man teaches himself!

Ganondorf **upset**: Don't ignore me! I'm still crying here...


	19. Havoc Ensues

**A/N: Hmm, I've been turning in shorter and shorter chapters lately... Mostly due to my being on the WtW (With the Will) forums often, beta-reading for other people, and even homework! Well, I really hope you like this chapter; I'll attempt to post one more tonight, but no guarantees, alright? Good.**

**Seriously, no hurting me if I don't get another chappie in. Chaps are good, chaps, but remember, chaps aren't everything. Okay?**

* * *

Chapter XIX: Havoc Ensues

Drew: Err… Are you okay?

Ganondorf **sniffling**: … No.

Zelda: Hey, don't forget about us either!

Jedediah: Yeah! We're still here!

Py: Who cares? You guys are just lesser, unimportant characters.

Zelda: Unimportant?! The game is _named _after me!

Drew: Really? I always thought this game was called "Super Mario Bros."

Ned: Hey, so you guys invited us and haven't even mentioned us in a few minutes?

Helga II: Yeah, you even fought over whom to invite first!

Py: Eh, that was plot maturation.

Drew: Don't you mean "character maturation?"

N00b: Dude, pick me!

Omnimon: Okay, seriously, this is getting retarded… I'm leaving.

Omnimon opens up a portal and goes back to the Digital World.

Drew: How'd he do _that_?

Py; A rip in the space-

Drew: Not that again!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Yeah, no one gives a dam-

Zelda: Link, watch your language!

Ganondorf: …

Py: Oh, nevermind, we have more important things to do.

Drew: Like continue with the story?

Py: No, like eating my waffles.

Smith 1: Ingenious, old bean! I would so very much enjoy a delectable waffle!

Smith 2: Undoubtedly!

Smith 3: Yo.

The three Smiths each try one of Py's waffles, and then spit them out in disgust. 

Smith 1: These are absolutely horrid!

Smith 2: Certainly the worst waffles I have ever tasted in my entire life!

Smith 3: Yo.

Py: THAT IS IT!!!

Py leaps upon Smiths 1, 2, and 3 in fury.

_Hours Later_

It appears that everyone else (Drew, Ganondorf, Helga II, Jedediah, Link, Ned, and Zelda) had helped gag the three Smiths and bound their hands and feet with rope.

Py: Well, guys, here are the waffles again!

Everyone smiles evilly at the three Smiths, who start sweating profusely.

Random N00b: Dude, pick me!

B.U.G.: Shut it, n00b! Wait… how'd I get here?

Smith 1: Mind if I make a facetious comment before we start?

Drew **shrugging**: Sure, why not? I mean, we _are_ about to subject you to Py's Waffle Torture Technique #3, Stage II. Why not give a comment before we do it?

Smith 1: Well, can you set us free so we don't have to eat these? I mean, everyone's subject to their own opinions, and ours are just that Py's waffles don't taste very good.

Link **dialogue boxed**: You do understand that that comment was facetious by your own saying, right? That means we don't have to take you seriously…

Smith 1: Err, I just said that so you would let me have a chance to speak.

Zelda: Even if it wasn't just a joking statement, what makes you think that reason is good enough? It's you guys' fault for not liking the waffles like everyone else. Oh, _no_, you three had to be DIFFERENT.

Smith 2: Hey, guys, don't drag Smith into this! When he says "yo," he really means no, and in that case, he"d be disagreeing with us that the waffles are bad. He likes them! Ain't that right, Mr. Smith?

Smith 3: Yo.

Py: He said "yo."

Smith 2: You're misunderstanding the concept of "yo." Ya see, "yo," when pronounced with a distinct "o," is considered to be different from the average "yo," which is enunciated with a short "o."

Drew **wide-eyed**: Fascinating.

Smith 3: Yo.

Py: He said it again!

Smith 2: Which brings me back to my explanation of the word "yo," which I stated previously…

Zelda: This is moronic.

Drew: Nu-uh! This is moronic!

Drew leaps into the surrounding lava. (Remember, they're still inside the Goron Mines)

Py: It's a good thing Drew can't die.

Link **dialogue boxed**, Zelda, Ganondorf, Jed, Ned, Helga II: HE CAN'T?!

Py: Nope. He's immortal. (At least, he is until his alter ego, DigiDrew, decides to kill him off.)

Drew climbs out of the lava, completely black and in much pain.

Py: See?

Drew: Owowowowow…

Zelda smiles maliciously.

Py: Something tells me I shouldn't have told them you were immortal.

Link **dialogue boxed**: What do you mean? You think we'd hurt Drew just for the fun of it because he won't die and we can keep torturing him for all the stupid things he's done?

Drew and Py look at Link suspiciously.

Drew: Nah, of course not.

Ganondorf: … He really is stupid, isn't he. Get him!

* * *

**A/N: Alright, that was all right, right? Rvw pl0x!**


	20. Confusion Ensues

**A/N: Ugh, I ran out of ideas for the chap titles... :(**

**Well, here's the second update today, as promised! Until next time, peeps, rvw plz!**

* * *

Chapter XX: Confusion Ensues

Drew: Get who?

Py **yanking Drew**: _Run!_

Our heroes dash down drastically dangerous doom-dropping dwellings of dumb Gorons.

Random Goron **in audience** (yes, we perform this live): WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Dumb. Live with it. 

Random Goron: … Fine.

Ha! Score one for the underlines! 

Py: Can we get on with this chase scene already?

Drew: No, no. This is fascinating.

Py: If they catch us, they'll torture you!

Drew: What? _Run_, Py, RUN!!!

Py: Oh, wait! I forgot to bring them!

Drew: BRING WHAT? I'M GONNA DIE IF WE DON'T LEAVE!

Py: The waffles, idiot.

Drew: Oh. Then, by all means, bring them, and THEN WE'LL LEAVE!

Py runs back past the dumb Gorons, grabs the plate of waffles, narrowly avoiding Ganondorf's punch and Link's Master Sword.

Py: Hey, don't kill me!

Drew grabs Py's hand and they dash even further.

_Hours Later_

Py: Well, I think we're safe now. I don't see them anywhere…

Drew: Where are we?

Py: I don't know… Maybe in front of Hyrule Castle.

Drew: WHY DID WE RUN HERE?!

Zelda **far-off**: Get them!

Drew turns around to see Zelda and the others leading an army of Hylians, halberds and pikes at the ready. The archers draw their arrows and prepare to fire.

Py: How did they find us? I mean, we're in front of Zelda's castle!

Drew: I don't know, but let's get out of here!

Suddenly, the fairy that Link gave our heroes a long time ago pops out of Drew's invisible pocket. Her name, coincidentally, is Tinker Bell. 

Tinker Bell: Hiya, guys!

Drew: Hey! It's that fairy! The one from… wait, wait… What was it again? It's on the tip of my tongue…

Py: You mean Peter Pan?

Drew: Oh… I was going to say Sleeping Beauty…

Py: … Right…

Tinker Bell: So, do you idiots want two wishes or what?

Drew: Only two? What kind of rip-off is this?

Tinker Bell: Oh, the three-wish-scheme belongs to the genies. I could be sued for copyright.

Py: Alright! I'm up first! I wish we were somewhere else!

Tinker Bell: Right-o! Bippity-boppity-boo!

Drew: Hey! Isn't that from… Snow White?

Py: Cinderella.

Poof! Suddenly, our heroes find themselves… three feet away from their past location.

Drew: Well… that was stupid.

Tinker Bell: Shoulda been more specific.

Py: Rats… Hey, Tinker Bell couldn't speak in Peter Pan!

Tinker Bell starts sweating when Py notices a plot hole, and suddenly screams…

Tinker Bell: Hey! Look! Listen!

Tinker Bell points in another direction, but Drew and Py just sigh.

Tinker Bell: Hey! Look! Listen!

Py: If you don't shut up we'll kill you.

Tinker Bell: Hey! Look! Listen!

Drew **sighing**: I wish Tinker Bell would just shut up and never talk again. Don't you, Py?

Py: Yeah, same here.

Tinker Bell **dialogue boxed**: Wish granted.

Py: Uh… What just happened?

Tinker Bell **dialogue boxed**: I just granted your second wish.

Drew: Gah! Now what?

Py: Easy. We go find another fairy before the angry mob of random Zelda characters catch us!

Drew: Sounds simple enough.

Tinker Bell **dialogue boxed**: I can help with that!

Py: How so?

Drew: Yeah, how so?

Py: I just said that.

Drew: Just said what?

Py: That.

Drew: That?

Py: Yes!

Drew: … Oh. Huh?

Py **sighing**: Anyway, how can you help us, Tink?

Tinker Bell **dialogue boxed**: Go visit my cousin, Stinker Bell. She lives in Los Angeles.

**With that, Tinker Bell vanishes in a puff of smoke. **

Drew: Los Angeles?! How are we supposed to do _that_?

Py: Easy. We just need to ride a chicken.

Drew: But we need rupees for that!

Py: … Right. Well, let's steal one instead.

Drew: But stealing is wrong.

Py: Fine. We'll borrow it.

Drew: Ooh! I like borrowing!

_Hours Later_

Drew and Py are carrying three chickens in a cage together, running away from the Hyrulean Airport.

Py: I can't believe it takes so much work just to go someplace so we can get back home…

Drew: It all started when you lied about finding Zelda's diary!

Py: Maybe so, but… Hey, what if Zelda is using magic to make us think this is happening, but in reality it isn't?

Drew: So, what, we are unconscious in her room right now?

Py: Yes! And with her magic, she's making up our dreams.

Drew: Err, I don't think so.

Py: But why not? How do you explain everything that has happened to us?

Drew: The space-time continuum.

Py: … Ah ha! You hate using that logic whenever we argue, but this time you used it against me! It proves I'm right.

Drew: No, I really think that's what happened right now. The only reason I argue is when you use it as an excuse for everything that's happened.

Py: That's not true! I give _plenty_ of other explanations!

Drew: Well, what about the time when-

Py: Okay! Okay!

Drew: And the time-

Py: I get it!

Drew: Don't forget the time-

Py: Augh! Just run!

Drew: Hey, since I'm a Midna-like thing, can't I just warp us wherever we want to go?

Py: No way! You're too weak.

Drew **pouting**: Am not!

Py: Am too!

Drew: Am not!

Py: Am too!

Drew: Am not!

Py: _Tu es_!

Drew: … Excuse me? Actually, on second thought, nevermind. I'll just prove to you I'm not… whatever you said.

Drew attempts to warp Py and the chickens from the Hylian Airport, but fails to do so.

Py: Hurry up! The authorities have almost caught us!

Drew attempts to warp Py and the chickens from the Hylian Airport, but fails to do so.

Py: Hurry up! The authorities have almost caught us!

Drew attempts to warp Py and the chickens from the Hylian Airport, but fails to do so.

Py: Hurry up! The authorities have almost caught us!

Drew: Gah, shut up! I can't concentrate.

Py: I've never seen you concentrate before.

Drew: That's because you're always talking!

Py: … Oh. Here…

Py dialogue boxes himself.

Py **dialogue boxed**: Better?

Drew: No. 'Cause now I have to read your dialogue!

Py **dialogue boxed**: You can read?

Drew: … No.

Py **dialogue boxed**: Oh, okay.

Drew: But that annoying ding sound is just as bad!

Py **dialogue boxed**: So? Would you rather me talk?

Drew: … Good point.

Drew attempts to warp Py and the chickens from the Hylain Airport, but fails to do so.

Py **dialogue boxed**: I don't know if anyone's told you this before, but you know, you look constipated when you concentrate.

Drew: Yes, someone has told me that before… And that's also because I am constipated.

Py **dialogue boxed**: Well, this is a fine time to be constipated, now isn't it?

Drew: Yes it is, actually.

Py **dialogue boxed**: I was being sarcastic! (Oh, and not to hurry you, but the authorities are pretty close…)

Drew: Can I go find a bathroom? _Please_?

Py **dialogue boxed**: Make it quick.

Drew: Okay!

Drew rushes off, and returns a moment later, flabbergasted at his realization…

Drew: Hyrule doesn't have bathrooms!

Py **dialogue boxed**: Well, that does present a predicament…

Drew: No, not only that, but… what have I been cleaning in Zelda's castle?!

Py **dialogue boxed**: Oh… Good point.

Drew: So now what?

Py **dialogue boxed**: You teleport us away from those authorities who want their chickens back!

Drew: Oh, right.

Drew teleports them to Hyrule Castle.

Drew: This good enough?

Py **dialogue boxed**: I guess, but where are the chickens?

The duo look around, but find no chickens.

Drew: Hmm, I must have forgotten to include them in my spell as well…

Py **dialogue boxed**: You forgot to teleport the chickens…?! They're the whole reason we went into such trouble with the authorities!

Drew: Stop being so demanding! I'm still constipating, you know.

Py **dialogue boxed**: Never mind… Just teleport those darn chickens…

Drew: Alright, alright, already!

Drew teleports a turkey into Hyrule Castle. 

Py **dialogue boxed**: I said "chickens."

Drew: But turkeys are cooler… Besides, it's Christmas!

Py dialogue boxed: You eat turkeys for Thanksgiving, moron.

Drew: Not in Hyrule, they eat Gorons for Thanksgiving.

Random Goron in audience faints. 

Py dialogue boxed: Then what do Gorons eat on Thanksgiving?

Drew: … Other Gorons.

Random Goron wakes up, and then faints again.

Py **grumbling**: So… Anyone here know how to ride a chicken? Or, I suppose, a turkey…

A Goron in the audience raises his hand.

Drew: You, sir! Can you come up?

The Goron jumps onto the stage.

Py: Your name, sir?

Goron: Pierre!

Drew: Um, a French name?

Pierre: Anything wrong?

Py: No, we just thought Gorons would be more… Germanic.

Pierre: Uh, _okay_… Anyway, what'd you want me up here for?

Drew: For a magic trick, of course!

Py: I thought we were going to have him teach us to ride chickens!

Pierre: Ride a chicken? No one said anything about riding chickens!

Drew: Uh… yeah we did.

Pierre: Nu-uh! You two asked if anyone could ride kitchens!

Py: Okay, that's wrong in, like, sixty ways.

Drew: Okay, so how do you ride kitchens? (It can't be much different from riding chickens, can it?)

Py: Yeah, show us! (Nope.)

Pierre: Okay, so here's what you do…

Pierre begins a very long and sleep-inducing speech on the best method of mounting a kitchen. (We have skipped this part, because most of our audience would either die of boredom or sue.)

Drew **yawning**: That was a great nap! I haven't slept like that in days!

Py **yawning**: That's because we _haven't_ slept in days.

Drew **still yawning**: Why not?

Py **dancing** (for no apparent reason): People in Hyrule don't sleep.

Drew **shaking Pierre's hand**: Weird.

Py **dancing**: So…

Drew **uncertainly**: So…

Pierre **triumphantly**: So…

Py **dancing**: So… You're not going to demonstrate how to ride kitchens?

Drew: Or do a magic trick?

Py **dancing**: Or both-? WHY IN THE WORLD AM I STILL DANCING!

Pierre **enthusiastically**: Because dancing is good for the soul.

Drew **nodding**: Yup. That is true.

Py **dancing**: Then why aren't you two dancing?

Drew **tilting his head to the right**: I… don't know.

Pierre **tilting his head to the left**: Me neither.

Py **dancing**: ARGH!!! Who keeps making me dance?

DigiDrew snickers in the distance.


	21. Anger Ensues

**A/N: Unexpectedly, another chapter arrives! Hope you guys and gals enjoy it.**

* * *

Chapter XXI: Anger Ensues

Py **dancing**: Seriously, this is getting annoying. Shouldn't we be trying to ride the chickens to Las Vegas so we can talk to Tinker Bell's cousin?

Drew **correctly**: No, we should be going to Los Angeles.

Py **dancing**: Bah, different sameness!

Drew **admonishingly**: No, that's "same difference." And, it's _not_ the same difference either.

Py **dancing**: Okay, how it is that I'm saying things wrongly?

Drew **reprimanding**: No, it's "how is it that I'm saying things incorrectly;" at least, _that_ sounds better. And I have no idea.

Py **dancing**: Well, to get back on topic-

Drew **curiously**: When did you stop being dialogue boxed?

Py **dancing**: I dunno, a while ago? Anyway, shouldn't we be trying to ride the chickens to Las Vegas so we can talk to Tinker Bell's cousin?

Drew **madly**: I already told you, we're going to Los Angeles!

Py **dancing**: Why do you get to choose where we go? Fine! We'll go to Manhattan!

Drew **furious**: I said LOS ANGELES!

Py **dancing**: Salem?

Drew **outraged**: LOS ANGELES!!!

Py **dancing**: Harrisburg?

Drew **insane**: _LOS ANGELES_!!!

Py **dancing**: … Tokyo?

Drew **pondering**: … Tokyo's cool…

Py **dancing**: Great!

Drew: But why would we go to Tokyo? Aren't we going to talk to Tinker Bell's cousin?

Py **dancing**: Yeah, exactly… We're seeing Tink's cousin, who is in Tokyo…? Duh!

Drew **madly**: No, she's in Los Angeles.

Py **dancing**: Well, why didn't you say so? Off to Florida!

Drew: … Los Angeles is in California.

Py **dancing**: And Tokyo is in Alaska, right?

Drew: No… Tokyo is in Japan. It's the place that always gets attacked by giant bugs and stuff.

Py **dancing**: Oh.

Drew: Off to Los Angeles!

Py **dancing**: To meet Mushu's cousin!

Drew: Mushu is a dragon, not a fairy – and definitely _not_ Tinker Bell. He was in _Mulan_.

Py **dancing**: Oh, but the Seven Dwarves were in _Pocahontas_, right?

Drew **sighing**: … Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.

Py **dancing**: Can ya wait a sec?

Drew: Why?

Py **dancing**: I wanna finish my dance!

Eventually, Py's dancing came to an end, and the two embarked to Los Angeles. 

Py: Aw…

Drew: What?

Py: The underlines made my dancing stop… That's not fair.

Drew: … I thought you _didn't_ want to dance in the first place.

Py and Drew mounted their chickens, and began to fly, though not swiftly, to Los Angeles. 

Drew: Onward! To victory!

Py: Or defeat! Whichever comes first!

Drew: Judging by our recent adventures, defeat is the more likely of the two…

_At Los Angeles_

Py: We're here!

Drew: Great… So now where's Tinker Bell's cousin?

Py: No idea. Did she give you the address?

Drew: No…

Py: Then how does that help us?

Drew: … Well, why didn't you ask for it from her?

Py: I thought she gave you the address!

Drew: But she didn't! Besides, you were standing next to me when she talked…

Py: But I just found that out!

Drew: So why didn't you ask her for it?

Py: This is getting ridiculous…

_Back in Hyrule_

Zelda: Shoot, where'd those two go?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Umm… Maybe we should ask this Goron.

Ganondorf: Hey, you there!

Pierre: Oh, me?

Ganondorf: Yes, you! Have you recently seen two idiots running by here?

Pierre: Uh, which two idiots?

Jedediah: The ones that look like they're from another world.

Pierre: Oh, you mean Mario and Luigi? Yeah, we're tight.

Zelda: Those buffoons were trying to sabotage our game again?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Mr. Goron, name all the idiots you've seen in the past half-hour.

Pierre: Okay, so there's been… Mario, Luigi, you guys, this weird mailman in his underpants, and two guys who wanted to know how to ride kitchens.

Jedediah: That's it! Py and Drew must be posing as an underpants-wearing mailman!

Zelda: Jed, you're a genius!

Link **dialogue boxed**: And what am I? Chopped liver?

Ganondorf: Pretty much.

Link **dialogue boxed, annoyed**: So Mr. Goron, would you kindly show us the way to this mailman you saw?

Pierre: Umm… Well, you see, he… Well…

Ganondorf: What's wrong? Spit it out!

Pierre: No, it's not that easy to. It's just… I can't explain it!

Zelda: You tried running away from him, didn't you?

Pierre **ashamed, sheepishly**: Err, no. Maybe… Yes.

Ganondorf: Ha! You ran away from a mailman? Coward!

Pierre: What! I am not a coward.

Ganondorf: But you ran away from a mailman.

Pierre: … So? He was as scary as… As scary as… as clowns!

Zelda: Clowns aren't scary.

Link **dialogue boxed**: What? Clowns are terrifying!

Zelda: No they're not! They're cute and… white.

Ganondorf: Uh, guys… Shouldn't we be tracking down the mailman?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Ew! Clowns are disgusting.

Zelda: You lie! I love clowns…

Link **dialogue boxed**: As much as you love Drew?

Zelda: You still haven't dropped that?

Link **dialogue boxed**: Why would I?

Zelda: You should be ashamed of yourself! You broke up with me first and went out with Carlos!

Link **dialogue boxed**: Why in the world would I go out with a barrel?!

Ganondorf: Wanna bet how long they're gonna fight? Thirty rupees says it'll take two hours.

Jedediah: Forty of them for five hours.


	22. How Rude!

**Yes, it's been ages since I updated this story - not that anyone's reading it, though, right? Drew has been out of contact for months now (don't know what happened), but I bet he's becoming bored of the story. I know I am. Yeah, we really need to pick this story back up and just finish it or make a decent plot.**

* * *

Chapter XXII: How Rude!

Meanwhile, Drew and Py are going door to door, searching for Tinker Bell's cousin. 

Py **knocking**: Hello? Any dwarves home?

Drew: I told you, we're looking for a fairy!

Py: But dwarves are cooler.

Drew: Tinker Bell's cousin isn't a dwarf!

Py: How do you know?!

The door Py was knocking on mysteriously opens wide, revealing…

Dwarf: What is it?

Py: Hello, sir, we're here to-

Dwarf **interrupting**: I'm not buying anything!

The rude dwarf slammed the door into their faces, leaving an annoyed Drew and shocked Py standing on the front porch.

Py: -Ask if you know who Tinker Bell is…

Drew: How rude.

Py: Hey! Open up!

The dwarf opens the door again, this time only a two-inch crack.

Dwarf: What?!

Py: Do you know Tinker Bell?

Dwarf: Do I tink who's _what_?

Drew: No! No! Tinker Bell!

Dwarf **angrily**: I will not tink her bell! That is inappropriate for this kind of story!

The dwarf slams the door in their faces once again. 

Py: What does "tink" mean?

Drew: Must be slang…

Py: Open up!

Dwarf **muffled**: You are the most persistent salesmen I have ever seen! If you don't leave by the count of five, I'm going to fetch my axe!

Drew: Five?

Dwarf **muffled**: One…

Py: Can't you think of something more… original?

Dwarf **muffled**: Two…

Drew: Like seven.

Dwarf **muffled**: Three…

Py: Or eighteen!

Dwarf **muffled**: Four…

Drew: Eighteen? What's with _that_?

Dwarf **muffled**: Four and a half…

Py: Eighteen is a cool number.

Dwarf **muffled**: Four and three quarters…

Drew: Besides, we're not afraid of an ax-

The dwarf steps outside, wielding the largest axe Drew and Py had ever seen. 

Drew: That's a big axe…

Py: I thought we agreed to count to eighteen!

Dwarf: What are you two babbling about?

Drew: Remember? While you were counting up to five, we were telling you how unoriginal counting to five was.

Py: Remember?

Drew: Oh, and we didn't agree on counting to eighteen, it was seven.

Py: No it wasn't!

Dwarf: You best be getting' off ma lawn, boys, or I'm-a hacking youse two, ya hear?

Drew: Since when did you start talking like Jed?!

Py: No, no, no. Jed doesn't talk like that. The dwarf talks more like… Zelda.

Drew: Zelda?! No way! Link, maybe. Not Zelda!

Py: Link doesn't talk, nincompoop!

Drew: Watch your mouth!

Py: Huh? All I said was "nincompoop."

Drew: AUGH!!! The horror! The horror!

Dwarf: Uh… I'm still here. Are you guys making fun of my accent?

Py: Who're you again?

Dwarf: Umm, I'm your friendly neighborhood dwarf. Except I'm unfriendly. And totally not your neighbor.

Py: Oh, okay.

Dwarf: Anyway, get outta here or I'm going to kill you both with this axe!

Drew: Why are you so mean? We just want to know where Tinker Bell is.

Dwarf: I told you, I don't know where to tink anyone's bell!

In an act of rage, the dwarf crazily swings his axe round.

_With Link, Jedediah, Ganondorf, and Zelda_

Link **dialogue boxed**: I told you, I never kissed Carlos! He's a barrel! And he's a guy! Err, he's a guy barrel…

Zelda: What difference does that make to you? You'd kiss that Twilight imp from that Wii video game if she let you!

Link **dialogue boxed**: No I wouldn't!

Zelda **forlornly**: Just get out of my sight!

Link **dialogue boxed**: And even if I did like Carlos, at least _he_'s not a complete idiot.

Zelda: Drew's not an idiot! He's just confused… And you admit you like Carlos now, don't you?

Link **dialogue boxed**: What?! It was hypothetical!

_Back with Drew and Py_

Py sidesteps the dwarf's wild swinging, then nearly loses his head if not for Drew, who valiantly saves Py's hide. 

Py: Hide? I thought it was my head! And since when did Drew save _me_?

DigiDrew **from the expanse of nothingness reserved for the story's writer**: Hide, head; same thing. At least in your case.

Py: That's not funny!

DigiDrew: Your mom's not funny.

Drew: Now that's comedy.

Py **grumbling**: My mom is hilarious…

DigiDrew: Oh yeah?

Py: Oh yeah!

DigiDrew: _Oh yeah?_

Py: Oh yeah!

DigiDrew: _Oh yeah?!_

Drew: Oh, yeah.

Py: Uh, what?

Drew: It looked fun, so I joined in. You don't have to make a big deal out of it…

Py: … Well, uh, back to the argument. Yes, my mom is funny.

DigiDrew: Then tell us one of her jokes or something to prove it.

Py: Umm… err… You know, it's been a while since I last talked to her, so I don't exactly remember any.

DigiDrew: More like because your mom has never made a joke before, because she's not funny.

Py: Yes she has! And is!

DigiDrew: Oh really? Prove it!

Py **stammering**: Well, you see… Umm… Look, don't we have to continue with the story?

DigiDrew: Don't change the subject!

Drew: What were we even doing?

Dwarf: You were going to tink my bell!

Drew: Ew.

Py: What?

Drew: That just sounds… nasty.

Dwarf: You're telling _me_!

Drew: Seriously, what were we doing?

Py: We were looking for Tinker Bell's cousin! In Las Vegas!

Dwarf: Oh, now you want to tink my _cousin's_ bell?! Disgusting creeps!

Drew: No, we're looking for someone!

Dwarf: Yeah, my cousin… so you can tink her bell!

Py: No, that's tink-er-bell, not "tink her bell!"

Dwarf **turning around**: I know you want to tink her bell, but I'm not telling you where she lives! Now scram!

Drew: We've wasted enough time as it is, let's just leave…

Py **grumbling**: Stupid dwarves…

Dwarf **turning back**: What did you say?

Py: Err… nothing. I said nothing.

Dwarf: Alright then. Be off, bell-tinkers!

Drew: This is getting nowhere.

Py: Right. What were we doing again?

Drew: We were… Gee. I don't remember.

Py: What?! You don't remember?

Drew: Do you?

Py: … Well, no.


	23. Into the Unknown Future

Chapter XXIII: Into the Unknown Future

Drew: Great. We're stuck here in Los Angeles without knowing what we're supposed to do.

Py: Weren't we going to tink someone's bell?

Drew: I don't think so, though I do seem to recall an unpleasant conversation about tinking someone's bells…

Py: Oh. That doesn't sound pleasant.

Drew: Hence, _un_pleasant.

Py: Ah.

Drew: So now what?

Py: Look, here's a house! Maybe the person here knows what we were doing!

Drew: Great idea! I'm sure the people in this neighborhood are helpful.

Py knocks on the door of the house. A dwarf answers the door. 

Py: Egad! I've done it! I've cloned a dwarf!

Dwarf: You idiots again?! Get outta here!

Drew: Wait… You own two houses? Right next to each other?

Dwarf: You got a problem with that, punk?

Drew: … Nope. No problems. I don't see any problems. Do you see any problems, Py?

Py: Nah, no problems here!

Drew and Py run offstage. 

_We rejoin them about two houses down. Drew is dressed like a monkey, and Py is dressed as a businessman with a mustache. _

Drew: Hey! Why can't I be the guy with the mustache!

Py: You know you can't grow a mustache. It's more realistic if I wear it!

Drew: … Fine. Alright, let's go fool that dwarf.

Py **knocking on the dwarf's door**: Hello there!

Dwarf **leerily**: Uh, yes?

Drew: We're from the Department of Community Niceties-

Dwarf **incredulously**: The what?

Drew: A_hem_. The Department of Community Niceties-

Py: And we've received some complaints about this neighborhood's behavior.

Drew: Specifically-

Py: Yours.

Drew: Would you stop-

Py: Interrupting? No.

Dwarf: Wait, you can't be serious!

Drew: Oh, but-

Py: We are.

Drew: Apparently, two beings-

Dwarf: Beings?

Py: One of them wasn't exactly… human…

Drew: _Ahem_. Two beings-

Py: Complained about your rude behavior. And so have several of your neighbors.

Drew: You seem to be-

Py: Quite popular on the unpopular side.

Drew: Stop interrupt-

Py: No.

Dwarf: But that's impossible! I'm a member of the Neighborhood Greeting Squad!

Drew: And-

Py: According to your neighbors…

Drew: Your greetings lack-

Py: Greetitude.

Dwarf: Greetitude?!

Py: Greetitude.

Drew: Ooh. Ouch.

Dwarf: But… I always welcome people to the neighborhood so heartily! I was awarded the Greeter of the Year trophy!

Drew: According to our records, that was-

Py: Quite some years back.

Drew: Exactly. And recently, you seem to have acquired-

Py: A sort of grumpy behavior.

Drew: Especially to-

Py: Sellers. Like girl scouts.

Dwarf: Girl scouts?!

Drew: Yes. And-

Py: People asking where Tinker Bell is.

Dwarf: Hey, look, I'll tell you guys the same thing I told them: I don't know where I would tink anyone's bell! And they didn't leave after I answered, so-

Drew: Humph. Indeed. Are you quite sure-

Py: Of that?

Dwarf: Yes!

Drew: Yes?

Dwarf: Yes!

Py: Without a doubt?

Dwarf: Yes!

Drew: Wait, so you do have-

Py: A doubt?

Dwarf: What? No! I mean, yes! Wait… huh?

Py: Huh?

Drew: Huh?

Dwarf: Huh?

Py: Huh?

Drew: Ah ha! We-

Py: Caught you!

Dwarf: You did?

Py: We did?

Drew: We did!

Dwarf: How?

Py: How?

Drew: … Umm… because he didn't have a doubt!

Dwarf: I don't?

Py: He doesn't?

Dwarf: What are you talking about? Of course I have a doubt!

Drew: Exactly!

Py: What?!

Drew: See, he has a doubt about not knowing where Tinker Bell is, so therefore-

Py: He might know!

Dwarf: What? But I don't have a doubt!

Py: I'm confused. Stop denying!

Drew: There's only one way to solve this!

Py and Dwarf: Solve what?

Drew: This doubting problem!

Py and Dwarf: How?

Drew **grinning evilly**: Dance Dance Revolution.

Py: Ah.

Dwarf: Oh.

Drew: Heheheheheheheh… to the arcade-mobile!

Py: But… I can't dance!

Drew: Who says you're going to represent us?

Py: YOU ARE?! I really doubt you can dance either!

Drew: Hey, I'm insulted. Just because I'm not human doesn't mean I don't have feelings… nor that I don't practice.

Py: I didn't even know you played DDR.

Dwarf: Hello? Don't forget me… Why should I agree?

_Because dancing is good for the soul!_

Drew: Gah! The italics!

Py: When did you guys get here?!

_We've been here this whole time… tinking bells… It's a classic pastime._

Dwarf: Wait, you know these guys?

Yup. They're really stupid.

Py: Hey! I resent that statement!

Drew: Yeah, I resemble it too!

Py, the dwarf, and the italics stare at Drew. 

Py: Resent.

Drew: Right, what'd I say?

Py: You said "resemble."

Drew: I did?

Dwarf: Yes. You did.

Drew: I think you guys are lying.

Py: Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it?

Drew: Challenge you two to a dance-off!

Dwarf: Weren't we already going to do one?

Drew: We were?

Py: No.

Dwarf: Yes we were!

Py: Nu uh.

Dwarf: You're just saying that because you don't want to do it!

Py: No I'm not.

Dwarf: Yes you are!

Py: No I'm not.

Dwarf: No you're not!

Py: Yes I am.

Dwarf: Ha, got you!

Py: Got my what?

Dwarf: Got you!

Py: Why would you want me?

Drew: Yeah, Py stinks.

Py: No I don't!

Drew: Yes you do.

Py: No I- Gah! Whatever! Lets just get this dance-off going already.

Drew and Dwarf: Yay!

_Later, in a funky, disco-themed dance hall. _

Announcer: Hey, everybody, and welcome to…

Crowd: Dance! Dance! REVOLUTION!!! WHOOOOOO!!!

Announcer: Yes, yes. Tonight, we have two very special guests… and one not-so-special one.

Dwarf **from behind curtain**: HEY!!!

Announcer** ignoring Dwarf**: Contestant number one is… PY!

Crowd: Yay!

Py dances out, clad in leotards and (man) make-up. 

Announcer: Contestant number two is… DREW!

Crowd: Yay!

Drew dances out, garbed in a very frilly, pink shirt, and a fake afro. 

Announcer: Last and certainly least is… the dwarf.

Crowd: Boo…

Dwarf dances out, wearing only his underpants (briefs).

Dwarf: What?!

Audience: _Aaaaaaauuuuuuugh!_

Py: Everyone, cover your eyes!

Dwarf: Hey, I have a great body!

Announcer: Uh, whatever… Anyway, let's get the show on the road.

Py dances to "U Can't Touch This" unsuccessfully, getting only two perfects.

Audience: BOOOOO!!! You stink!

Py walks off, grumbling. 

Announcer: Next up, the creepy Midna-thing!

Drew: My name's Drew.

Announcer: Yeah, that's what they all say.

Drew: But it really is!

Announcer: Yeah, right…

Drew dances to Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, and misses everything. 

Audience: What the-?! Get HIM!!!

Drew: Ah!

Py grabs Drew's hand and drags him off the stage, running out the exit of the dance hall.

Announcer: Err, by automatic disqualification for leaving the contested area… the dwarf wins!

Dwarf: Yeah!

The dwarf starts dancing, much to everyone's disgust.

Audience: Forget about that Midna-thing, get _him_!

Drew: Why are we running?!

Py: Because those guys were gonna kill you!

Drew: Oh, I thought they were saying, "Get HIM!!! … something to eat." (And besides, I can't die, remember?)

Py: I'm pretty sure that wasn't what they were saying. (… Oh, yeah…)

Drew: So… how was it we were getting back home, again?

Py: Uh oh. WE NEED THAT DWARF!!!

Drew and Py race back to the dance hall, grab the dwarf and run out with him.

_An Hour Later, Inside the Dwarf's House_

Drew: At least we made it back inside the house…

Py: With an angry mob at our tails waiting outside this guy's home.

Dwarf: It's all you guys' fault!

Drew **whispering**: Why'd we come here in the first place again?

Py **whispering**: Because we wanted to know where to tink people's- I mean, find Tinker Bell.

Py **to the Dwarf**: Okay, seriously, can't you just tell us where-

Dwarf: But I don't know where to tink her bell!

Drew: Look, do we have to spell it out for you? We want to know where Tinker Bell is!

Dwarf: … Well, why didn't you just say that?

Py: We've been saying that for the past few hours!

Drew: Well, _you_ were. I was talking about dance-offing.

Py: Right…

Dwarf: Err, so… about Tinker Bell…

Py: You know where she is?!

Dwarf: … Kinda.

Suddenly, the dwarf erupts in a pillar of spectacular light, and a bearded fairy emerges. 

Py: You're Tinker Bell?!

Drew: Heh… you forgot to lose the beard.

Tinker Bell: Actually, this is real.

Py: You didn't have it on last time…

Tinker Bell: Okay, cut the chitchat. Why did you guys want to see me?

Drew: We don't know where your cousin lives.

Tinker Bell: Didn't I tell you guys Stinker Bell lived in Los Angeles?

Py: Well, that's why we're here, but… we don't have the slightest idea where to start!

Drew: Any hints?

Tinker Bell **sighs**: Well, I guess I could spare you morons the time of finding my cousin and just send you guys home… though didn't you say your target was here or Nevada anyhow?

Py: … Actually, you know what? Thanks for you "help."

Drew and Py leave.

Drew: Wow, I feel pretty stupid.

Py: Yeah, let's just catch a plane to Las Vegas and gamble our way into debts.

Drew: Agreed.

And so, our story ends here. The duo make it to Las Vegas and have a happy time there, while Link and Zelda still continue arguing…

_Thanks for reading this crappy story! -Italics_

* * *

Yeah, this came way too late. Anyways, please review!

Lol, finally it ended.


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